• Aries Your joy in the holidays is dampened when you learn that there is no Santa, there is no Jesus, and the local weatherwoman likes to be videotaped having sex with strangers.
  • Taurus Though being a parent is often hard, don’t take your aggravation out on your children: Take it out twice as hard on your spouse.
  • Gemini Your religious faith will be shattered when, after years of piety, you discover a little-known Bible passage condemning murder.
  • Cancer You will be honored with the nation’s highest civilian award for heroism after you selflessly give your restaurant leftovers to your no-good boss.
  • Leo Though suicide rates peak during the holiday season, do not give in to despair. You’ll soon be beaten to death by an enraged lumberjack during a brawl in a burning whorehouse.
  • Virgo You will surprise your out-of-town relatives this season when you and 10,000 of your troops seize their city, loot its buildings, enslave its populace, and sow its fields with salt.
  • Libra Reaffirm your commitment to weight loss this week. Eat five pounds of cottage cheese, six cans of peach halves in heavy syrup, and a liter of Diet Coke for each meal.
  • Scorpio No matter how much you find yourself enjoying the local winter-solstice festival, do not partake of the filthy sin of dancing.
  • Sagittarius Light from your mystic stars has traveled trillions of miles through space to predict travel in your future.
  • Capricorn Romance will suddenly make an appearance in your life. Unfortunately, it appears in the form of Jeffrey The Morbidly Obese Kissing Bandit.
  • Aquarius Your sense of impending doom will intensify as the weather continues its mysterious cooling trend.
  • Pisces Much to your surprise, the new year will somehow bring you even more loneliness and despair.