• Aries Don't let the hustle and bustle of the holiday season keep you from finishing your last will and testament before 4:22 p.m. on the 28th.
  • Taurus A fun outing to chop down a Christmas tree ends in tragedy when you mistake a kindergarten class on a field trip for a nice blue spruce.
  • Gemini You will experience mortal terror when it seems as if there is no God and that no one cares whether you live or die. This hyper-aware state will last the rest of your life.
  • Cancer Your hibernation will continue uninterrupted throughout the season.
  • Leo An angel-dust-crazed Santa will visit your house, leave presents for the plate of cookies, and hungrily devour you with a glass of milk.
  • Virgo You will achieve a state of total uselessness this week when you forget how to make butter sandwiches.
  • Libra Good news: FAA crash investigators will find the other half of your skull just in time for the holidays.
  • Scorpio You will be savagely beaten by a crowd of angry Canadians when you absent-mindedly reveal your ignorance of Boxing Day.
  • Sagittarius You will be overcome with emotion this week after gazing upon the simple, timeless beauty of a Sears holiday window display.
  • Capricorn A smelly, drunken vagrant will try to hit you up for a couple bucks, but he changes his mind upon realizing that you are his firstborn child.
  • Aquarius You will return from a trip abroad to find Joe Don Baker in your living room taking back his furniture.
  • Pisces Try as you might, you will not be able to shake the feeling that you wasted another perfectly good year.