Aries Don't let the hustle and bustle of the holiday season keep you from finishing your last will and testament before 4:22 p.m. on the 28th.
Taurus A fun outing to chop down a Christmas tree ends in tragedy when you mistake a kindergarten class on a field trip for a nice blue spruce.
Gemini You will experience mortal terror when it seems as if there is no God and that no one cares whether you live or die. This hyper-aware state will last the rest of your life.
Cancer Your hibernation will continue uninterrupted throughout the season.
Leo An angel-dust-crazed Santa will visit your house, leave presents for the plate of cookies, and hungrily devour you with a glass of milk.
Virgo You will achieve a state of total uselessness this week when you forget how to make butter sandwiches.
Libra Good news: FAA crash investigators will find the other half of your skull just in time for the holidays.
Scorpio You will be savagely beaten by a crowd of angry Canadians when you absent-mindedly reveal your ignorance of Boxing Day.
Sagittarius You will be overcome with emotion this week after gazing upon the simple, timeless beauty of a Sears holiday window display.
Capricorn A smelly, drunken vagrant will try to hit you up for a couple bucks, but he changes his mind upon realizing that you are his firstborn child.
Aquarius You will return from a trip abroad to find Joe Don Baker in your living room taking back his furniture.
Pisces Try as you might, you will not be able to shake the feeling that you wasted another perfectly good year.
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