Aries In memory of your beloved Aunt Ruth, open fire on innocent patrons of a fast-food restaurant.
Taurus Your triumphant exit from the worst job you've ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette.
Gemini Stephanie Zimbalist's popularity will reach an all-time high this week following her nationally televised pledge to skin you alive and nail your pelt to the barn.
Cancer You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free.
Leo You will achieve the only orgasm of your life this week when an escaped convict runs to the Hallmark card store where you work and inserts a dozen Precious Moments figurines in your colon.
Virgo The stars are peeved that you didn't renew your subscription to Sky and Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass.
Libra If the strain is getting to you, remember: Technical school isn't for everyone.
Scorpio Poor quality control and lack of attention to detail force Consumer Reports to rate Scorpio 12th out of 12 star signs.
Sagittarius You will lose your life savings after investing heavily in a line of "Happy Epilepsy" greeting cards.
Capricorn Your tireless quest for better aerodynamics goes horribly awry when you sand three of your friends to death.
Aquarius Explosive flatulence is not always a good way to break the ice on a first date.
Pisces Become a softer, gentler person. Stop filing your teeth to razor-sharp points.
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