• Aries In memory of your beloved Aunt Ruth, open fire on innocent patrons of a fast-food restaurant.
  • Taurus Your triumphant exit from the worst job you've ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette.
  • Gemini Stephanie Zimbalist's popularity will reach an all-time high this week following her nationally televised pledge to skin you alive and nail your pelt to the barn.
  • Cancer You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free.
  • Leo You will achieve the only orgasm of your life this week when an escaped convict runs to the Hallmark card store where you work and inserts a dozen Precious Moments figurines in your colon.
  • Virgo The stars are peeved that you didn't renew your subscription to Sky and Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass.
  • Libra If the strain is getting to you, remember: Technical school isn't for everyone.
  • Scorpio Poor quality control and lack of attention to detail force Consumer Reports to rate Scorpio 12th out of 12 star signs.
  • Sagittarius You will lose your life savings after investing heavily in a line of "Happy Epilepsy" greeting cards.
  • Capricorn Your tireless quest for better aerodynamics goes horribly awry when you sand three of your friends to death.
  • Aquarius Explosive flatulence is not always a good way to break the ice on a first date.
  • Pisces Become a softer, gentler person. Stop filing your teeth to razor-sharp points.