Horoscope for the week of December 17, 2003

Horoscope ISSUE 39•49 Dec 17, 2003
  • Aries What you thought was a folksy comment turns out to be the plain truth when wet, slushy snow and heavy winds combine to make for rough sledding.
  • Taurus Optimism will once again be your downfall when, during a trip to Ohio, you assume that the angry natives will be awed into submission by your lighter.
  • Gemini Mars rising with the moon in syzygy says nothing about your future. It means "Screw you, fatty."
  • Cancer People will finally admit that you fulfilled your potential when you pass out in bed and your crack pipe sets off a massive goat-porn fire.
  • Leo Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.
  • Virgo It's always the last person you'd expect that ends up being a murderer, marrying your sibling, or getting elected president.
  • Libra It won't be failure to adapt that kills you, but the ability to pause live television.
  • Scorpio You'll fend off a lot of polite inquiries from Asians before you realize that your new Chinese tattoo actually reads "Ask Me About My Grandchildren."
  • Sagittarius A chance remark at a bar will result in a pack of angry, middle-aged drunks insisting, in the face of all evidence to the contrary, that punk is not dead.
  • Capricorn Your love for the unexpected joy of "snow days" will not translate directly into a love for next week's hellish rains of fire and blood.
  • Aquarius The stars can warn you not to argue with clergymen over predestination this week, though they are ultimately helpless to stop you.
  • Pisces If you enjoyed last week, then relax. As usual, this week won't be a whole lot different from the previous one.