Aries What you thought was a folksy comment turns out to be the plain truth when wet, slushy snow and heavy winds combine to make for rough sledding.
Taurus Optimism will once again be your downfall when, during a trip to Ohio, you assume that the angry natives will be awed into submission by your lighter.
Gemini Mars rising with the moon in syzygy says nothing about your future. It means "Screw you, fatty."
Cancer People will finally admit that you fulfilled your potential when you pass out in bed and your crack pipe sets off a massive goat-porn fire.
Leo Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.
Virgo It's always the last person you'd expect that ends up being a murderer, marrying your sibling, or getting elected president.
Libra It won't be failure to adapt that kills you, but the ability to pause live television.
Scorpio You'll fend off a lot of polite inquiries from Asians before you realize that your new Chinese tattoo actually reads "Ask Me About My Grandchildren."
Sagittarius A chance remark at a bar will result in a pack of angry, middle-aged drunks insisting, in the face of all evidence to the contrary, that punk is not dead.
Capricorn Your love for the unexpected joy of "snow days" will not translate directly into a love for next week's hellish rains of fire and blood.
Aquarius The stars can warn you not to argue with clergymen over predestination this week, though they are ultimately helpless to stop you.
Pisces If you enjoyed last week, then relax. As usual, this week won't be a whole lot different from the previous one.
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