Aries Nothing can convince you that the chase sequence in Bullitt isn't the greatest love scene ever committed to film.
Taurus The stars say this is a good week for romance, but lately you've been getting the feeling they're not talking about you.
Gemini You will come very close to acting heroically when you push an old lady out of the way of a hurtling bus and underneath a cement truck.
Cancer Don't take next week's failures too hard: No one could have foreseen the sudden appearance of so many ax-wielding monkeys.
Leo Your neighbors are progressive enough to accept a May/December romance, but don't expect them to like your May/at-least-a-year-from-October fling.
Virgo Certain shortcomings in your education and upbringing cause you to read meaning into the relationships among various celestial bodies.
Libra You'll soon meet someone who helps you forget all about that previous bad relationship by forcing you to focus on putting out constant fires.
Scorpio You will be bemused and bewildered to discover that you are mentioned in the creation myths of three-fourths of the world's cultures.
Sagittarius Just when your life seems to be a never-ending series of miseries, disappointments, and small disasters, it will surprise you by abruptly ending.
Capricorn Now that you've achieved exactly half of your life's goals, it's time to start thinking about eating a second whole turkey.
Aquarius You will suffer humiliation and loss of reputation when your culinary experiments in Korean/Latin fusion blow an entire city block sky-high.
Pisces Your troubles will be over before you know it, but most witnesses will agree that you probably didn't feel a thing.
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