• Aries Nothing can convince you that the chase sequence in Bullitt isn't the greatest love scene ever committed to film.
  • Taurus The stars say this is a good week for romance, but lately you've been getting the feeling they're not talking about you.
  • Gemini You will come very close to acting heroically when you push an old lady out of the way of a hurtling bus and underneath a cement truck.
  • Cancer Don't take next week's failures too hard: No one could have foreseen the sudden appearance of so many ax-wielding monkeys.
  • Leo Your neighbors are progressive enough to accept a May/December romance, but don't expect them to like your May/at-least-a-year-from-October fling.
  • Virgo Certain shortcomings in your education and upbringing cause you to read meaning into the relationships among various celestial bodies.
  • Libra You'll soon meet someone who helps you forget all about that previous bad relationship by forcing you to focus on putting out constant fires.
  • Scorpio You will be bemused and bewildered to discover that you are mentioned in the creation myths of three-fourths of the world's cultures.
  • Sagittarius Just when your life seems to be a never-ending series of miseries, disappointments, and small disasters, it will surprise you by abruptly ending.
  • Capricorn Now that you've achieved exactly half of your life's goals, it's time to start thinking about eating a second whole turkey.
  • Aquarius You will suffer humiliation and loss of reputation when your culinary experiments in Korean/Latin fusion blow an entire city block sky-high.
  • Pisces Your troubles will be over before you know it, but most witnesses will agree that you probably didn't feel a thing.