• Aries You will be shot by your girlfriend and shunned by society after taking relationship advice from the editors of Maxim.
  • Taurus Your conviction that good things come to those who wait is cited as the cause of your starvation death at a bus stop.
  • Gemini You will achieve success in the world of advertising when you underestimate the intelligence of the American public.
  • Cancer One of your wildest dreams will suddenly come true. Unfortunately, it's the one in which each of the demon's fangs has its own little shrieking face.
  • Leo Try looking at it this way: Maybe you're normal, and the people with only two eyes are the weird ones.
  • Virgo The bigger boys will dip your hand in warm water while you sleep, and the camp counselors will once again ignore it, simply because you haven't been to camp in years.
  • Libra You will soon learn that you crash-landed in your small Kansas town in a meteor, which explains the burns covering your body.
  • Scorpio Your belief that you are a pawn in a much larger game is untrue. The game is not all that large.
  • Sagittarius You know you're different from everyone else, but, try as you might, you just can't understand why people put walls where they do.
  • Capricorn Your feelings of resentment over having to live on a reservation are unwarranted, as you are an endangered Cape buffalo.
  • Aquarius Be careful what you wish for this week. You won't get it, regardless, but it's always a good idea to be careful.
  • Pisces You will throw a huge hissyfit when you are told that your anti-terrorism bill is unconstitutional.