• Aries The courts deny your request to change your name, forcing you to remain John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt for life.
  • Taurus You will be disappointed when no one is surprised to hear that you attended a science-fiction convention.
  • Gemini You will discover a new miracle weight-loss plan that will enable you to lose weight and get in shape. Then you won't follow it.
  • Cancer Love alone will fail to see you through the hard times. It's a good thing you're also incredibly rich.
  • Leo Next time, ask yourself: How would I feel if I were a nurse and someone murdered me that way?
  • Virgo You will be mortified to realize that you misspelled the words "fiery," "dynamite," and "vengeance" in your letter to the president.
  • Libra You used to think that it would be cool to have a computer implanted in your skull, but it turns out it's not.
  • Scorpio When offered potato salad, decline politely, saying that you'd take some if you liked it, but you don't. Unless you do like it. In that case, by all means, have some potato salad.
  • Sagittarius You will feel both alienated and betrayed when you realize that your town's beloved teen center will not mature along with you.
  • Capricorn On second thought, maybe the idea of an Irish-themed rap group was kind of silly, after all.
  • Aquarius Put it back. Don't look at Aquarius like you don't know what it's talking about. Put it back. Now!
  • Pisces You will learn the hard way that cryogenically freezing yourself until a cure for cancer is found is not something you just do at home.