Horoscope for the week of December 22, 1999

Horoscope ISSUE 35•47 Dec 22, 1999
  • Aries Though you will soon find yourself sharing an exciting cross-country road trip with Jerry Reed and a lop-eared basset hound, it's not what you think.
  • Taurus You will achieve a certain kind of notoriety when you get rich selling the world's most tasteless exercise program.
  • Gemini You will be shaken to your very core by the revelation that not everything in the universe is exactly the same size.
  • Cancer This will not be a time of great changes for Cancer, but it will be a time of above-average sandwiches.
  • Leo Though you don't expect much from the holiday season, you'll still be let down.
  • Virgo You will feel like an ass when you believe a story that was obviously fiction and intended to be entertaining.
  • Libra A sense of confusion comes over you when, after an acquaintance tells you to "keep up the good work," you cannot recall ever doing any such work.
  • Scorpio Don't listen to the people who tell you you should have that fist-sized tumor removed from your esophagus. They're just jealous.
  • Sagittarius You are a melding of light and shadow, sunset and dawn, a multitude of wonders fused in mortal flesh. And a great big flabby lump of flesh it is, too.
  • Capricorn The tiniest bite of a fresh-baked madeline will bring a sudden flood of memories of other times you ate cookies.
  • Aquarius Though you may decide a Dorothy Hamill hairdo looks terrible on you, that's no reason to take it out on Ms. Hamill.
  • Pisces Your holiday experience will have much in common with Inuit creation myths, especially the snowy parts.