Horoscope for the week of December 22, 2004

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Aries Financial success looms large in your future, perched to topple over and crush you and everything you love.

Taurus There is nothing in your world more satisfying than a good taco and a can of beer, but then, there is almost nothing in your world at all.

Gemini Post-coital cigarettes are one thing, but the pre- and mid-coitus cigarettes you're asking those men to smoke are really starting to annoy them.

Cancer Death by firing squad has a certain desolate nobility, but it'll be ruined when the inept, drunken Australians fail to hit you above your waist with the first nine volleys.

Leo Your fear of terrorist attacks is just the thing to get you out of getting married and raising a family.

Virgo There's probably something in your life that can't be explained in a single-panel cartoon, but so far, those New Yorker guys have hit the nail on the head every time.

Libra You'll briefly be the centerpiece of all creation when the guiding force of the universe remembers that it hasn't hit anyone with lightning in a long time.

Scorpio You've explained over and over that you aren't Siamese twins, but unfortunately for you, your surgical team has "separation" on the brain.

Sagittarius You'll wish you'd bought better shoes when your smelly, worn-out, charred sneakers are featured in a "Don't Smoke At The Pumps" PSA.

Capricorn You'll launch a new street fashion when you find a way to embed diamonds in an otherwise unremarkable pair of breasts.

Aquarius Don't worry: You aren't the first guy to fall in love with a fast-talking, gold-digging knockout, you derivative hack.

Pisces You've always said that if you had to do it all over again, you wouldn't change a thing, so expect the eternal return of a morass of mediocrity followed by an untimely death.

More Horoscope

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Horoscope for the week of December ... » (December 29, 2004)

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