Horoscope for the week of December 22, 2004

Horoscope ISSUE 40•51 Dec 22, 2004
  • Aries Financial success looms large in your future, perched to topple over and crush you and everything you love.
  • Taurus There is nothing in your world more satisfying than a good taco and a can of beer, but then, there is almost nothing in your world at all.
  • Gemini Post-coital cigarettes are one thing, but the pre- and mid-coitus cigarettes you're asking those men to smoke are really starting to annoy them.
  • Cancer Death by firing squad has a certain desolate nobility, but it'll be ruined when the inept, drunken Australians fail to hit you above your waist with the first nine volleys.
  • Leo Your fear of terrorist attacks is just the thing to get you out of getting married and raising a family.
  • Virgo There's probably something in your life that can't be explained in a single-panel cartoon, but so far, those New Yorker guys have hit the nail on the head every time.
  • Libra You'll briefly be the centerpiece of all creation when the guiding force of the universe remembers that it hasn't hit anyone with lightning in a long time.
  • Scorpio You've explained over and over that you aren't Siamese twins, but unfortunately for you, your surgical team has "separation" on the brain.
  • Sagittarius You'll wish you'd bought better shoes when your smelly, worn-out, charred sneakers are featured in a "Don't Smoke At The Pumps" PSA.
  • Capricorn You'll launch a new street fashion when you find a way to embed diamonds in an otherwise unremarkable pair of breasts.
  • Aquarius Don't worry: You aren't the first guy to fall in love with a fast-talking, gold-digging knockout, you derivative hack.
  • Pisces You've always said that if you had to do it all over again, you wouldn't change a thing, so expect the eternal return of a morass of mediocrity followed by an untimely death.