Horoscope for the week of December 3, 2003

Horoscope ISSUE 39•47 Dec 3, 2003
  • Aries You're thankful that the firefighters saved your life, but you don't see why their report had to note that you were "sitting around the house!!!" when the fire started.
  • Taurus Buckle up: It's going to be one hell of a bumpy ride. The stars aren't speaking metaphorically here. Wear your seatbelt all week.
  • Gemini We're each the star of our own personal saga, which in your case is actually more of a light-beer commercial.
  • Cancer You'll be a hero for the shortest interval in human history when you push an old lady out of the path of a careening bus and into that of a runaway locomotive.
  • Leo The sad truth is that you only wear the ape suit to cover the burn scars that cover your twisted frame.
  • Virgo If there's anything happening in your future next week, it doesn't seem important enough to write in the sky.
  • Libra In retrospect, you should have wondered why the creepy ventriloquist's dummy was always at the scene of the crime.
  • Scorpio You'll achieve wealth and change your culture forever after coming up with a sitcom plot in which the evil twin is part of a set of triplets.
  • Sagittarius You've once again dodged the annoyance of jury duty, but good luck getting out of your obligation to act as judge and executioner.
  • Capricorn You haven't carried out any of the reforms you promised you would, but you'll still be re-elected by a majority of your girlfriends.
  • Aquarius You'll get an incredible sense of personal satisfaction from your new pet, which is why the shocked and disgusted Humane Society workers take it away.
  • Pisces If you never have to deal with angry, drunken Basque separatists who have stolen the Shroud Of Turin again, it'll be too soon.