Aries You're thankful that the firefighters saved your life, but you don't see why their report had to note that you were "sitting around the house!!!" when the fire started.
Taurus Buckle up: It's going to be one hell of a bumpy ride. The stars aren't speaking metaphorically here. Wear your seatbelt all week.
Gemini We're each the star of our own personal saga, which in your case is actually more of a light-beer commercial.
Cancer You'll be a hero for the shortest interval in human history when you push an old lady out of the path of a careening bus and into that of a runaway locomotive.
Leo The sad truth is that you only wear the ape suit to cover the burn scars that cover your twisted frame.
Virgo If there's anything happening in your future next week, it doesn't seem important enough to write in the sky.
Libra In retrospect, you should have wondered why the creepy ventriloquist's dummy was always at the scene of the crime.
Scorpio You'll achieve wealth and change your culture forever after coming up with a sitcom plot in which the evil twin is part of a set of triplets.
Sagittarius You've once again dodged the annoyance of jury duty, but good luck getting out of your obligation to act as judge and executioner.
Capricorn You haven't carried out any of the reforms you promised you would, but you'll still be re-elected by a majority of your girlfriends.
Aquarius You'll get an incredible sense of personal satisfaction from your new pet, which is why the shocked and disgusted Humane Society workers take it away.
Pisces If you never have to deal with angry, drunken Basque separatists who have stolen the Shroud Of Turin again, it'll be too soon.
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