Horoscope for the week of December 4, 2002

Horoscope ISSUE 38•45 Dec 4, 2002
  • Aries Get back to the basics of family this week. Have your mother feed, bathe, and change you.
  • Taurus Your insurance company insists that it has no obligation to insure you as long as you're still frozen in that block of ice.
  • Gemini You will unify the disparate fields of semiotics, mathematics, and behaviorism when you prove that, if our ifs and buts were all candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas.
  • Cancer Avoid making any major business decisions this week, as you'll spend most of it out of your mind on vodka sours.
  • Leo You'll be terrified next Monday when it seems that the sky is falling, but it's merely the tail end of the Leonid meteor showers. Then comes Thursday.
  • Virgo There are no blemishes on your kind, compassionate Virgo soul, but that's more than offset by the ones on your face, hands, and renal system.
  • Libra You will be profoundly moved by your experiences in the next few days, but that could mean a whole lot of things.
  • Scorpio The great Lions quarterback Bobby Layne will appear to you in a dream and explain why you don't deserve to have Bobby Layne appear to you in a dream.
  • Sagittarius You will be caught in the greatest existential dilemma of your life when you are unable to decide if a table or radial arm saw is better for your home shop.
  • Capricorn Your religion was almost right: Those you vanquished in life are waiting for you in death, but not to serve you.
  • Aquarius You will turn in one of the most heroic and selfless performances of your career next Thursday, but since you're an architect, the details are pretty boring.
  • Pisces Your wife, like your jailers before her, still refuses to allow you to have belts or sharp-edged culinary utensils.