Aries Your life will be lauded by parents' groups for containing no sex, drugs, profanity, violence, or adult situations.
Taurus Though he appreciates the extra money, the ice-cream man is starting to get a little freaked out by the way you follow him around all the time.
Gemini Your biggest weakness is not, as you believe, your lack of self-confidence. It's the two-inch soft spot in your aorta.
Cancer You think you're embroiled in an unprecedented scandal, but you forgot that Catherine The Great, Fatty Arbuckle, and Marv Albert all came before you.
Leo You discover exactly what it means to owe the Mafia a favor when you find yourself forced to mow a lot of shady characters' lawns.
Virgo Destiny has decided that you are a weak and unworthy vessel for its purposes. Starting next week, you'll be replaced with Robert Vaughn.
Libra Your fears of becoming a trendy but bland person deepen when you are featured on page 77 of the IKEA catalog.
Scorpio A tragic but not life-altering accident will be all the excuse you need to get menacing hooks where your ring and pinky fingers once were.
Sagittarius Your trick of using numbers related to Andrew Jackson's presidency and a right triangle to remember the digits of the mathematical constant e is both effective and the geekiest thing ever.
Capricorn Your dream wedding hits an unexpected snag when you fail to obtain the rights to Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train."
Aquarius After a long investigation, experts will conclude it's a miracle that no one was hurt but you and the camel-rental guy.
Pisces Your life story is the kind of thing people pay good money to see, which isn't good when you think about what bloodthirsty bastards people are.
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