Horoscope for the week of December 5, 2001

Horoscope ISSUE 37•44 Dec 5, 2001
  • Aries Your life will be lauded by parents' groups for containing no sex, drugs, profanity, violence, or adult situations.
  • Taurus Though he appreciates the extra money, the ice-cream man is starting to get a little freaked out by the way you follow him around all the time.
  • Gemini Your biggest weakness is not, as you believe, your lack of self-confidence. It's the two-inch soft spot in your aorta.
  • Cancer You think you're embroiled in an unprecedented scandal, but you forgot that Catherine The Great, Fatty Arbuckle, and Marv Albert all came before you.
  • Leo You discover exactly what it means to owe the Mafia a favor when you find yourself forced to mow a lot of shady characters' lawns.
  • Virgo Destiny has decided that you are a weak and unworthy vessel for its purposes. Starting next week, you'll be replaced with Robert Vaughn.
  • Libra Your fears of becoming a trendy but bland person deepen when you are featured on page 77 of the IKEA catalog.
  • Scorpio A tragic but not life-altering accident will be all the excuse you need to get menacing hooks where your ring and pinky fingers once were.
  • Sagittarius Your trick of using numbers related to Andrew Jackson's presidency and a right triangle to remember the digits of the mathematical constant e is both effective and the geekiest thing ever.
  • Capricorn Your dream wedding hits an unexpected snag when you fail to obtain the rights to Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train."
  • Aquarius After a long investigation, experts will conclude it's a miracle that no one was hurt but you and the camel-rental guy.
  • Pisces Your life story is the kind of thing people pay good money to see, which isn't good when you think about what bloodthirsty bastards people are.