Aries The ancient Japanese art of bonsai involves the pruning and binding of dwarf pines. It has nothing to do with what you do to those poor midgets.
Taurus Before you argue with your mate, ask yourself if you're angry because of something they did or something you did. Then insist you're right.
Gemini Your refusal to make love to your boyfriend unless he wears the Jesus costume might be creepy, but it's what makes you "you."
Cancer Just because Cancer is known as "The Crab" is no reason to be so grumpy. Jeez.
Leo Try to be more aware next Thursday, as it will feel more like a Friday.
Virgo Financial reward could be in your future this week, as Gemini is offering limited-time zero-percent interest on all balances transferred from other Zodiac signs. Apply now.
Libra You know it's just a trick of the light, but you could swear the weather lady was looking right at you during the forecast.
Scorpio Just so you know, Dr. Hook is not actually a real doctor. Please stop making all those appointments with him.
Sagittarius Though it may seem like you are overflowing with love for that special someone, that liquid is merely a natural byproduct of physical arousal.
Capricorn Don't expect any dramatic change in your life now that Madeline Kahn has died.
Aquarius You will experience a journey over water this week. Oh, and taking a shower technically counts as a journey.
Pisces The presence of the star Fomalhaut in Pisces this week doesn't mean anything special. It's always been there.
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