• Aries The ancient Japanese art of bonsai involves the pruning and binding of dwarf pines. It has nothing to do with what you do to those poor midgets.
  • Taurus Before you argue with your mate, ask yourself if you're angry because of something they did or something you did. Then insist you're right.
  • Gemini Your refusal to make love to your boyfriend unless he wears the Jesus costume might be creepy, but it's what makes you "you."
  • Cancer Just because Cancer is known as "The Crab" is no reason to be so grumpy. Jeez.
  • Leo Try to be more aware next Thursday, as it will feel more like a Friday.
  • Virgo Financial reward could be in your future this week, as Gemini is offering limited-time zero-percent interest on all balances transferred from other Zodiac signs. Apply now.
  • Libra You know it's just a trick of the light, but you could swear the weather lady was looking right at you during the forecast.
  • Scorpio Just so you know, Dr. Hook is not actually a real doctor. Please stop making all those appointments with him.
  • Sagittarius Though it may seem like you are overflowing with love for that special someone, that liquid is merely a natural byproduct of physical arousal.
  • Capricorn Don't expect any dramatic change in your life now that Madeline Kahn has died.
  • Aquarius You will experience a journey over water this week. Oh, and taking a shower technically counts as a journey.
  • Pisces The presence of the star Fomalhaut in Pisces this week doesn't mean anything special. It's always been there.