Horoscope for the week of December 8, 2004

Horoscope ISSUE 40•49 Dec 8, 2004
  • Aries Enjoy your position at the top of the food chain, because God is about to shake things up a little with the new Mountain Lion 2.0.
  • Taurus Singing underneath your true love's window seems romantic, but because of poor planning, you'll wind up seducing the convent's entire dormitory wing.
  • Gemini You're about to face yet another week of life-or-death struggles, but as usual, all you really have to do is remember to eat.
  • Cancer The idea behind judo is to make an opponent's strength work against him, making you immune to the martial art.
  • Leo Many prophesied that you'd wind up wearing your ass for a hat, but they didn't predict that the fickle world of fashion would co-opt the look overnight.
  • Virgo The inner world of every person contains realms unimagined, but you should still be able to guess what your license-plate-collecting brother-in-law might like for Christmas.
  • Libra Where there's life, there's hope. This week, your heart will become the home of many single-celled, fungal, and parasitic species of hope.
  • Scorpio Your inability to conduct both parallel and distributed computational processes will prevent you from being an integral component in next year's hottest laptops.
  • Sagittarius You will suffer terrible pain and emotional trauma, and all because someone put a diving board where it didn't belong.
  • Capricorn It's small-minded of him, but the detective investigating your death will suspect foul play simply because he would have tried to kill you himself.
  • Aquarius You may march to the beat of a different drummer, but the important thing is that you're not being subversive and trying to walk on your own.
  • Pisces You'll be sued for slander, sexual harassment, inciting to riot, and a half-dozen other crimes when you decide to let your dancing speak for you.