Aries Enjoy your position at the top of the food chain, because God is about to shake things up a little with the new Mountain Lion 2.0.
Taurus Singing underneath your true love's window seems romantic, but because of poor planning, you'll wind up seducing the convent's entire dormitory wing.
Gemini You're about to face yet another week of life-or-death struggles, but as usual, all you really have to do is remember to eat.
Cancer The idea behind judo is to make an opponent's strength work against him, making you immune to the martial art.
Leo Many prophesied that you'd wind up wearing your ass for a hat, but they didn't predict that the fickle world of fashion would co-opt the look overnight.
Virgo The inner world of every person contains realms unimagined, but you should still be able to guess what your license-plate-collecting brother-in-law might like for Christmas.
Libra Where there's life, there's hope. This week, your heart will become the home of many single-celled, fungal, and parasitic species of hope.
Scorpio Your inability to conduct both parallel and distributed computational processes will prevent you from being an integral component in next year's hottest laptops.
Sagittarius You will suffer terrible pain and emotional trauma, and all because someone put a diving board where it didn't belong.
Capricorn It's small-minded of him, but the detective investigating your death will suspect foul play simply because he would have tried to kill you himself.
Aquarius You may march to the beat of a different drummer, but the important thing is that you're not being subversive and trying to walk on your own.
Pisces You'll be sued for slander, sexual harassment, inciting to riot, and a half-dozen other crimes when you decide to let your dancing speak for you.
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