Horoscope for the week of December 9, 1997

Horoscope ISSUE 32•18 Dec 9, 1997
  • Aries You will be chosen by a zoological video-dating service to sire a highly advanced race of intelligent super-apes.
  • Taurus A small gray neotenic alien appears before you in your home and explains to you at length that it does not, in actuality, exist outside the popular imagination.
  • Gemini You will re-experience the central trauma of your adult life when you discover that you have mysteriously turned back into a virgin.
  • Cancer Fire magic is strong in Cancer this week. If, by some chance, you happen to set yourself ablaze, consider it a good omen.
  • Leo You will be forced to reconsider the wisdom of bringing your religious beliefs to inner-city youths when you realize they do not relate to the teachings of mighty Lord Odin, the Allfather.
  • Virgo You have a secret you must conceal from the public, lest the people turn against you. Should they discover your unholy love for Joe Don Baker, all would be lost.
  • Libra December will be a trying month for you, as all the Earth’s creatures rise up in rebellion against your harsh overlordship.
  • Scorpio Forces beyond your control steer you toward an attractive Virgo. These forces are called “hormones.”
  • Sagittarius If this is your birth week, you have a one-in-seven chance of enjoying the biographical convenience of dying on your birthday.
  • Capricorn Your failure to score high marks in creativity and independent thought during standardized tests leads to several high-paying job offers from the business world.
  • Aquarius A tall Cancer will soon become a major figure in your life. To be safe, meet all his ransom demands.
  • Pisces Few are surprised when police discover you in a Las Vegas hotel room looting Frank Sinatra’s corpse.