Horoscope

12.09.98 | ISSUE 34•19

  • Aries You will invent a successful line of fuckable baking dough, sell it to a major corporation, and achieve fame and fortune as the Pillsbury Ho-Boy.
  • Taurus You will enjoy success this hunting season, tracking and killing three beautiful deer. Unfortunately, what you call "deer" are known to most people as "nurses."
  • Gemini Your life will hinge on thinking of a nine-letter word meaning "parity."
  • Cancer You will learn firsthand that it really is hard to say you're sorry, especially when your mouth is stuffed with an angry sailor's cock.
  • Leo You will be lauded by critics this week for your daring shot-for-shot remake of your high-school yearbook.
  • Virgo A major life-change is in your future, but don't worry: Many quadruple amputees lead lives as rich and fulfilling as those of triple amputees.
  • Libra Everything you do this week will inspire murderous rage in a different resident of Baltimore.
  • Scorpio The stars indicate that your rabid Doctor Who fanhood may somehow be related to the infestation of your flesh by hundreds of thousands of thirsty ticks.
  • Sagittarius In a hilarious twist of fate, Bob Hope will win a tidy sum from the Non-Celebrity Dead Pool when he correctly predicts the date of your untimely death.
  • Capricorn Though nothing of interest will happen to you this week, that won't stop you from boring your friends with a detailed recounting of every meaningless second.
  • Aquarius You will set a world record this week for getting your head stuck between moving objects.
  • Pisces You are a healthy, attractive young person with an active social life and a good future in acting, but you harbor an unnatural lust for pudgy men with shaved heads. You might as well off yourself.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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