• Aries You will invent a successful line of fuckable baking dough, sell it to a major corporation, and achieve fame and fortune as the Pillsbury Ho-Boy.
  • Taurus You will enjoy success this hunting season, tracking and killing three beautiful deer. Unfortunately, what you call "deer" are known to most people as "nurses."
  • Gemini Your life will hinge on thinking of a nine-letter word meaning "parity."
  • Cancer You will learn firsthand that it really is hard to say you're sorry, especially when your mouth is stuffed with an angry sailor's cock.
  • Leo You will be lauded by critics this week for your daring shot-for-shot remake of your high-school yearbook.
  • Virgo A major life-change is in your future, but don't worry: Many quadruple amputees lead lives as rich and fulfilling as those of triple amputees.
  • Libra Everything you do this week will inspire murderous rage in a different resident of Baltimore.
  • Scorpio The stars indicate that your rabid Doctor Who fanhood may somehow be related to the infestation of your flesh by hundreds of thousands of thirsty ticks.
  • Sagittarius In a hilarious twist of fate, Bob Hope will win a tidy sum from the Non-Celebrity Dead Pool when he correctly predicts the date of your untimely death.
  • Capricorn Though nothing of interest will happen to you this week, that won't stop you from boring your friends with a detailed recounting of every meaningless second.
  • Aquarius You will set a world record this week for getting your head stuck between moving objects.
  • Pisces You are a healthy, attractive young person with an active social life and a good future in acting, but you harbor an unnatural lust for pudgy men with shaved heads. You might as well off yourself.