Horoscope for the week of February 10, 1999

Horoscope ISSUE 35•05 Feb 10, 1999
  • Aries Nobody will believe your outrageous tale of saving 25 cents on a bar of deodorant soap.
  • Taurus The planet Mercury in your sign means you'll travel soon, but the element mercury in your bloodstream indicates that it will be a trip to the hospital.
  • Gemini You begin to suspect that everyone hates you when everyone tells you so.
  • Cancer You will be cited as living proof that the word "love" can mean different things to different people.
  • Leo Your knack for survival in the cutthroat world of French politics prompts comparisons to Tallyrand (1754-1838), the famed statesman and diplomat.
  • Virgo Your death proves that you were only half right about the afterlife: Though it’s true that Heaven does not want you, Hell is not afraid you’ll take over.
  • Libra You will find love, wealth and happiness in a strange alternate universe where total losers find love, wealth and happiness.
  • Scorpio You will stumble upon a little-known tax loophole which allows ritually mutilated Scorpios to claim an extra 7% deduction. Consider it carefully, as $350 is a lot of money.
  • Sagittarius You will be featured in several medical textbooks after meeting a highly motivated, self-starting body piercer.
  • Capricorn We are sorry to report that you have been dropped from the new, more family-oriented Capricorn.
  • Aquarius You will finally find a job that enables you to call people at home and bother them about their long-distance carriers.
  • Pisces Your ego will be irrevocably destroyed by an unwelcome comparison to Sandra Bullock.