Aries Nobody will believe your outrageous tale of saving 25 cents on a bar of deodorant soap.
Taurus The planet Mercury in your sign means you'll travel soon, but the element mercury in your bloodstream indicates that it will be a trip to the hospital.
Gemini You begin to suspect that everyone hates you when everyone tells you so.
Cancer You will be cited as living proof that the word "love" can mean different things to different people.
Leo Your knack for survival in the cutthroat world of French politics prompts comparisons to Tallyrand (1754-1838), the famed statesman and diplomat.
Virgo Your death proves that you were only half right about the afterlife: Though it’s true that Heaven does not want you, Hell is not afraid you’ll take over.
Libra You will find love, wealth and happiness in a strange alternate universe where total losers find love, wealth and happiness.
Scorpio You will stumble upon a little-known tax loophole which allows ritually mutilated Scorpios to claim an extra 7% deduction. Consider it carefully, as $350 is a lot of money.
Sagittarius You will be featured in several medical textbooks after meeting a highly motivated, self-starting body piercer.
Capricorn We are sorry to report that you have been dropped from the new, more family-oriented Capricorn.
Aquarius You will finally find a job that enables you to call people at home and bother them about their long-distance carriers.
Pisces Your ego will be irrevocably destroyed by an unwelcome comparison to Sandra Bullock.
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