Aries Wearing less makeup and longer skirts to work will get you noticed by that handsome guy who works across the killing-floor from you.
Taurus One of the great mysteries of your life will be solved when you are at last introduced to the evil "Fifth Dentist" who did not recommend using Crest toothpaste.
Gemini Due to circumstances beyond your control, you will make absolutely no effort to take charge of your miserable life this week.
Cancer The government has announced a full recall on all late-1960s to mid-1970s Cancers. While proceeding to your local impound yard, avoid any sudden turns or stops, which could cause you to flip over and explode.
Leo Jesus shall appear to you in a dream and offer to answer any single question. But when you ask Him how a loving God can permit so much horrible pain and suffering, He just tells you that you obviously don't get it.
Virgo Your beloved cats Oscar, Sofie, Tim, Gibson and Malcolm are asked to appear on national television after smothering you in your sleep.
Libra Events following your gory beheading will prove that Broadway can make a musical out of anything.
Scorpio The stars indicate that you will soon travel across water, but, when you stop to think about it, that could actually mean any number of different things.
Sagittarius You will enter a 12-step program for workaholics and manage to finish the first 11 steps in the first two days.
Capricorn You become an unwitting accomplice to hilarious comedy hijinks when you, a "guy," walk into a bar.
Aquarius Your birthday party will once again be ruined by highly trained, combat-tested military demolitions experts.
Pisces Everything would be right with the universe if only you would shoot that Andrew. Shoot him. Shoot him. Shoot him. Shooooooot him.