Horoscope for the week of February 11, 1998

Horoscope ISSUE 33•05 Feb 11, 1998
  • Aries Wearing less makeup and longer skirts to work will get you noticed by that handsome guy who works across the killing-floor from you.
  • Taurus One of the great mysteries of your life will be solved when you are at last introduced to the evil "Fifth Dentist" who did not recommend using Crest toothpaste.
  • Gemini Due to circumstances beyond your control, you will make absolutely no effort to take charge of your miserable life this week.
  • Cancer The government has announced a full recall on all late-1960s to mid-1970s Cancers. While proceeding to your local impound yard, avoid any sudden turns or stops, which could cause you to flip over and explode.
  • Leo Jesus shall appear to you in a dream and offer to answer any single question. But when you ask Him how a loving God can permit so much horrible pain and suffering, He just tells you that you obviously don't get it.
  • Virgo Your beloved cats Oscar, Sofie, Tim, Gibson and Malcolm are asked to appear on national television after smothering you in your sleep.
  • Libra Events following your gory beheading will prove that Broadway can make a musical out of anything.
  • Scorpio The stars indicate that you will soon travel across water, but, when you stop to think about it, that could actually mean any number of different things.
  • Sagittarius You will enter a 12-step program for workaholics and manage to finish the first 11 steps in the first two days.
  • Capricorn You become an unwitting accomplice to hilarious comedy hijinks when you, a "guy," walk into a bar.
  • Aquarius Your birthday party will once again be ruined by highly trained, combat-tested military demolitions experts.
  • Pisces Everything would be right with the universe if only you would shoot that Andrew. Shoot him. Shoot him. Shoot him. Shooooooot him.