Horoscope for the week of February 12, 1997

Horoscope ISSUE 31•05 Feb 12, 1997
  • Aries Your dream of one day seducing Ringo Starr and bearing his children is spoiled forever when you find out how easy it is to do.
  • Taurus Your debut in the local repertory theatre is poorly received after you decide that there is not nearly enough fellatio in Neil Simon's The Apartment.
  • Gemini You will be inspired by a popular magazine's claim that laughter is the best medicine, discontinue taking your insulin, and die from diabetic shock.
  • Cancer Your enormous capacity for tequila and love of shouting "Fiesta!" result in your being appointed U.S. ambassador to Mexico.
  • Leo You will wind up on PETA's 10 most wanted list after the organization learns of your self-produced sound-effects album, 1,001 Baby Seal Necks Snapping.
  • Virgo James Brown will follow you everywhere this week, laughing everytime you move your hips.
  • Libra You will make a fool out of yourself when, after your fiancée demands a gold wedding ring, you gouge out your fillings only to find that your cheapskate dentist has used an inferior polyurethane substance.
  • Scorpio Tip of the week: Save some money by not buying groceries this Thursday, as Friday you will be run over by a bus.
  • Sagittarius A drunken attempt to slit your wrists goes awry this week, resulting in a wonderfully clean, close shave.
  • Capricorn Your office Valentine's Day party is ruined when the boss splits everyone into couples for breeding experiments and you are paired with "Fat Ted" Johnson from accounting.
  • Aquarius You will suffer agonizing unlife after Aphrodite decides you are too sexy to live but not sexy enough to die.
  • Pisces The spirit of Jane Fonda possesses you and forces you to rent Klute.