Aries Your dream of one day seducing Ringo Starr and bearing his children is spoiled forever when you find out how easy it is to do.
Taurus Your debut in the local repertory theatre is poorly received after you decide that there is not nearly enough fellatio in Neil Simon's The Apartment.
Gemini You will be inspired by a popular magazine's claim that laughter is the best medicine, discontinue taking your insulin, and die from diabetic shock.
Cancer Your enormous capacity for tequila and love of shouting "Fiesta!" result in your being appointed U.S. ambassador to Mexico.
Leo You will wind up on PETA's 10 most wanted list after the organization learns of your self-produced sound-effects album, 1,001 Baby Seal Necks Snapping.
Virgo James Brown will follow you everywhere this week, laughing everytime you move your hips.
Libra You will make a fool out of yourself when, after your fiancée demands a gold wedding ring, you gouge out your fillings only to find that your cheapskate dentist has used an inferior polyurethane substance.
Scorpio Tip of the week: Save some money by not buying groceries this Thursday, as Friday you will be run over by a bus.
Sagittarius A drunken attempt to slit your wrists goes awry this week, resulting in a wonderfully clean, close shave.
Capricorn Your office Valentine's Day party is ruined when the boss splits everyone into couples for breeding experiments and you are paired with "Fat Ted" Johnson from accounting.
Aquarius You will suffer agonizing unlife after Aphrodite decides you are too sexy to live but not sexy enough to die.
Pisces The spirit of Jane Fonda possesses you and forces you to rent Klute.