Horoscope

02.13.02 | ISSUE 38•05

  • Aries Your heart will be shattered by a beautiful scientist who removes it from your body, dips it in liquid nitrogen, and drops it to the ground.
  • Taurus Parents' groups would like to have a word with you regarding the extreme, gratuitous violence in your near future.
  • Gemini It turns out that sneaking in and having sex on your boss' desk isn't as sexy as it sounded, especially with him taking phone calls the whole time.
  • Cancer Dating isn't always easy, but you've got to either dust yourself off and get back in the saddle or stop dating horses.
  • Leo It isn't the fear of failure that keeps you from trying new things. It's the fear of the gorillas who eat people who try new things your mother told you about.
  • Virgo You are tantalizingly close to achieving your dream of becoming the first blind person to fly an airplane around the world. Just put your eyes out.
  • Libra You aren't the first person to fall in love with someone, only to realize he's not the person you thought he was. However, due to the recent, sudden maturation of the entire human race, you're the last.
  • Scorpio Sometimes, you just have to grin and try again with a fresher corpse and slight changes to the formula.
  • Sagittarius The stars indicate that, although they know you're going through a rough time, they're only going to put up with so many of your late-night phone calls.
  • Capricorn You will be told that "your appeal to reason and personal responsibility is a light that will never go out" by weirdos who've mistaken you for Ayn Rand.
  • Aquarius Though you're not prejudiced, you have a hard time believing that a mule can kick field goals.
  • Pisces The world may end "not with a bang but a whimper," but the end of your world will have plenty of both.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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