Aries Your heart will be shattered by a beautiful scientist who removes it from your body, dips it in liquid nitrogen, and drops it to the ground.
Taurus Parents' groups would like to have a word with you regarding the extreme, gratuitous violence in your near future.
Gemini It turns out that sneaking in and having sex on your boss' desk isn't as sexy as it sounded, especially with him taking phone calls the whole time.
Cancer Dating isn't always easy, but you've got to either dust yourself off and get back in the saddle or stop dating horses.
Leo It isn't the fear of failure that keeps you from trying new things. It's the fear of the gorillas who eat people who try new things your mother told you about.
Virgo You are tantalizingly close to achieving your dream of becoming the first blind person to fly an airplane around the world. Just put your eyes out.
Libra You aren't the first person to fall in love with someone, only to realize he's not the person you thought he was. However, due to the recent, sudden maturation of the entire human race, you're the last.
Scorpio Sometimes, you just have to grin and try again with a fresher corpse and slight changes to the formula.
Sagittarius The stars indicate that, although they know you're going through a rough time, they're only going to put up with so many of your late-night phone calls.
Capricorn You will be told that "your appeal to reason and personal responsibility is a light that will never go out" by weirdos who've mistaken you for Ayn Rand.
Aquarius Though you're not prejudiced, you have a hard time believing that a mule can kick field goals.
Pisces The world may end "not with a bang but a whimper," but the end of your world will have plenty of both.