• Aries Your admirable decision to lead a life of honesty and moral rectitude will bring your career in advertising to a sudden and drastic end.
  • Taurus You will be pursued by millions of hungry, nutrition-conscious Americans when it is revealed that you are part of a complete breakfast.
  • Gemini After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done from inside one of these things.
  • Cancer Your habit of standing on your desk and flailing about with a fire ax will continue to be distracting and divisive at your office.
  • Leo Your striking resemblance to TV's Craig T. Nelson will somehow fail to get you laid for yet another week.
  • Virgo You've always said that premature baldness never killed anybody, but the tragic events of next week will force you to eat those words.
  • Libra After 12 years of living alone in the bush, you're beginning to think the damned snipe is never going to show.
  • Scorpio You will go down in linguistic and polar history next week when it is discovered that the Eskimos have more than 600 words for what a big jerk you are.
  • Sagittarius Next week's trials and tribulations will force you to stand tall and be a man, even though you were born short and female.
  • Capricorn Though you'll certainly be proud to have your own action figure, you would have rather had one that didn't feature realistic spastic-colon action.
  • Aquarius The nation is stunned by Amelia Earhart's miraculous return, especially when she knees you in the groin and shouts, "Thanks for nothing."
  • Pisces Remember, the impressive thing is not how well the bear dances. It's how incredibly sexily the bear dances.