• Aries You will be reminded of your steady physical decline when paleontologists mistakenly identify you as the remains of a long-extinct species of dugong.
  • Taurus You're worried about your upcoming trial because, as an arrogant evil genius, you're not sure what the court considers a "jury of your peers."
  • Gemini The dangers of time travel become all too real when you meet your new boyfriend's parents and discover they come from the year 1956.
  • Cancer You finally realize your dream of opening your own restaurant, but in doing so, you've provoked the ire of those who think it should let in people besides you.
  • Leo Your plan to strike from the shadows and slip away unseen will be seen as inappropriate by the other teachers.
  • Virgo You'll put up a valiant effort during an upcoming gunfight, but in the end, victory will belong to the gun.
  • Libra You will be rewarded for your slavish scenestership with burial in the Tomb of the Well-Known Poseur.
  • Scorpio Climbing the highest mountain and swimming the deepest ocean are fine, but you don't see why you need to eat the largest rib roast to win her love.
  • Sagittarius You will be known as the Mao of block captains when you instruct everyone in your neighborhood to assemble iron smithys in their backyards.
  • Capricorn The ghost of E.B. White will appear to you and exact revenge for every extraneous comma you've ever used.
  • Aquarius A close brush with death will shock you into turning your life around and becoming heavily involved in drinking, drugs, and casual sex.
  • Pisces You always knew you'd go to hell in the end, but no one mentioned you'd have to sit next to the proud inventor of Post-It Notes.