Aries Stop telling everybody you live in a gated community. No matter how you try to dress it up, it's still jail.
Taurus You thought becoming a shark hunter would change your life, but it's still pretty much the same, except when you're hunting all those sharks.
Gemini Christ will appear to you in a dream but, unfortunately, it's not a very sexy dream.
Cancer Despite your claims of historical importance, the authorities still refuse to grant you a permit for your school-shooting re-enactment.
Leo You will be appalled by the group of self-righteous losers the state considers a jury of your peers.
Virgo There comes a time in every person's life when he or she must stand aside for the younger generation, but your kids are still too young to work the loom.
Libra Your own special brand of justice turns out to just be shooting people.
Scorpio The residents of Walla Walla and Kalamazoo will contact you and demand that you stop using the names of their cities as some kind of weak joke.
Sagittarius Venus in your sign means you're traveling through some rough romantic waters. Bullet holes in the road signs, however, mean you're traveling through Texas.
Capricorn Next week will be a time of great financial and emotional rewards. It's just too bad you won't be there to see it.
Aquarius Bad news for your immortal soul: God doesn't believe your claim that you "just didn't see" the train, and suicide is still a mortal sin.
Pisces The stars indicate you shouldn't forget Katya's potluck this Friday at 6 p.m.
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