• Aries Stop telling everybody you live in a gated community. No matter how you try to dress it up, it's still jail.
  • Taurus You thought becoming a shark hunter would change your life, but it's still pretty much the same, except when you're hunting all those sharks.
  • Gemini Christ will appear to you in a dream but, unfortunately, it's not a very sexy dream.
  • Cancer Despite your claims of historical importance, the authorities still refuse to grant you a permit for your school-shooting re-enactment.
  • Leo You will be appalled by the group of self-righteous losers the state considers a jury of your peers.
  • Virgo There comes a time in every person's life when he or she must stand aside for the younger generation, but your kids are still too young to work the loom.
  • Libra Your own special brand of justice turns out to just be shooting people.
  • Scorpio The residents of Walla Walla and Kalamazoo will contact you and demand that you stop using the names of their cities as some kind of weak joke.
  • Sagittarius Venus in your sign means you're traveling through some rough romantic waters. Bullet holes in the road signs, however, mean you're traveling through Texas.
  • Capricorn Next week will be a time of great financial and emotional rewards. It's just too bad you won't be there to see it.
  • Aquarius Bad news for your immortal soul: God doesn't believe your claim that you "just didn't see" the train, and suicide is still a mortal sin.
  • Pisces The stars indicate you shouldn't forget Katya's potluck this Friday at 6 p.m.