• Aries The stars say you will find happiness beyond your wildest dreams. But after that, their message trails off into drunken streams of profanity.
  • Taurus This will be a lucky week indeed, since nobody enjoys a good concussion more than you.
  • Gemini Strangely enough, no one will congratulate you when you finally win your lifelong battle with oxygen addiction.
  • Cancer Your life will change forever when a ruggedly handsome Taurus leaves you splattered across three lanes of traffic.
  • Leo More of your youthful idealism is chipped away this week when you discover that Tupperware parties are for selling plastic storage containers.
  • Virgo You will be trapped in a confined space with a group of people who really, really care about the Oscars.
  • Libra Your attempt to double-cross the mob ends badly when you discover that most crooks are not as bumbling as Disney had long led you to believe.
  • Scorpio Venus in your sign means a new love interest, while the sudden appearance of the Phantom Planet from the Nega-Zone means dangerous, man-eating apes with raygun eyes.
  • Sagittarius The police refuse to respond when you attempt to get arrested for searching yourself without a warrant.
  • Capricorn Though your parents like you well enough, you do not focus-group well with teens. Move to CBS.
  • Aquarius You will be lynched by an angry mob of leather-clad burnouts when they find out that it was your idea to use "Crazy Train" to sell SUVs.
  • Pisces This weekend marks the culmination of your lifelong dream to make yourself a big stack of pancakes.