Aries Like all Aries, you are uncommonly patient with others. However, if they can't come up with the money soon, kill the twins.
Taurus Creative management of your finances will result in an unexpected windfall of several hundred dollars. Use it to buy the biggest handgun you can find—you'll need it.
Gemini The camping trip you've looked forward to for so long is ruined by a pack of woodchucks, the biggest bastards in the animal kingdom.
Cancer Your neighborhood will be rocked by a bizarre rash of ultra-sexy seductions. Authorities will not for one moment consider questioning you.
Leo You will earn the friendship and envy of all who share your star sign when you unveil your flamed-out, low-riding "Leo Hoopty."
Virgo Use of your wits, common sense, and God-given intelligence proves woefully inadequate in your attempt to solve even the most minor problems you encounter this week.
Libra Though you've made numerous major advances in the field of stomach-cancer research, and have donated money to build libraries in your hometown, you are still universally hated for your three guest appearances on Northern Exposure.
Scorpio Travel and air magicks are strong in Scorpio this week. You will experience a near-weightless, flight-like state during a trip to the Empire State Building.
Sagittarius ou will become the talk of your community following your visually stunning appearance on America's Bloodiest Home Videos.
Capricorn A long-running dispute will finally end this week if you have the courage to cut your husband's brake lines.
Aquarius Now that Valentine's Day is over, you will need to use sheer animal cunning to con affection out of your spouse.
Pisces Do not be lulled into complacency this week: That strange man is still around. There he is! There! There!