• Aries Like all Aries, you are uncommonly patient with others. However, if they can't come up with the money soon, kill the twins.
  • Taurus Creative management of your finances will result in an unexpected windfall of several hundred dollars. Use it to buy the biggest handgun you can find—you'll need it.
  • Gemini The camping trip you've looked forward to for so long is ruined by a pack of woodchucks, the biggest bastards in the animal kingdom.
  • Cancer Your neighborhood will be rocked by a bizarre rash of ultra-sexy seductions. Authorities will not for one moment consider questioning you.
  • Leo You will earn the friendship and envy of all who share your star sign when you unveil your flamed-out, low-riding "Leo Hoopty."
  • Virgo Use of your wits, common sense, and God-given intelligence proves woefully inadequate in your attempt to solve even the most minor problems you encounter this week.
  • Libra Though you've made numerous major advances in the field of stomach-cancer research, and have donated money to build libraries in your hometown, you are still universally hated for your three guest appearances on Northern Exposure.
  • Scorpio Travel and air magicks are strong in Scorpio this week. You will experience a near-weightless, flight-like state during a trip to the Empire State Building.
  • Sagittarius ou will become the talk of your community following your visually stunning appearance on America's Bloodiest Home Videos.
  • Capricorn A long-running dispute will finally end this week if you have the courage to cut your husband's brake lines.
  • Aquarius Now that Valentine's Day is over, you will need to use sheer animal cunning to con affection out of your spouse.
  • Pisces Do not be lulled into complacency this week: That strange man is still around. There he is! There! There!