Horoscope for the week of February 18, 2004

Horoscope ISSUE 40•07 Feb 18, 2004
  • Aries Religious leaders from around the world will agree that God seems to be reacting to your criticism rather harshly.
  • Taurus You've never believed in running away from love, but then again, you've never been on the business end of a coked-up rhinoceros' ardor before.
  • Gemini It won't come as much of a shock to you, but according to your spouse and children, your replacement is doing one heck of a good job.
  • Cancer You might not like it, but even you have to admit that your foibles and predilections are accurately captured in the popular new parody version of you.
  • Leo Once again, you've been nominated for an award in the prestigious "Most Engulfed In Flames" category.
  • Virgo It's time to exploit your connections in order to get a better job. Start cozying up to the guy who handles the local classified ads section.
  • Libra You've decided to take it as a compliment that all your lovers describe you as a wizard in the bathroom.
  • Scorpio Your life story will be a testimony to the healing power of love for nachos.
  • Sagittarius You'll realize that you're not like the others when a visit to a historic Civil War battlefield forever changes the way you feel about custom kitchen cabinetry.
  • Capricorn You will be hunted to the ends of the earth by torch-wielding opera traditionalists after enraptured reviewers refer to you as the "long-sought Fourth Tenor."
  • Aquarius You're getting closer to the secret of happiness all the time, but before this makes you too happy, you should hear the story of Achilles and the tortoise.
  • Pisces By the time you get what you want, you've changed so much that you don't want it anymore, which sends the waitress into a rage.