Aries You'll go through a cranky phase this week, but by the weekend you'll be relaxed and cheered up, thanks to a loving hug from best-selling author James Michener.
Taurus You will start the week super-charged after a severed power line falls through your bathroom window and sends ball lightning into your shower.
Gemini Though you usually see eye-to-eye with your boss, he finally confronts you about your spending thousands of the company’s dollars on his wife's 900 number.
Cancer The pain of becoming a widow for the third time is eased somewhat when you purchase a car horn that plays the theme from Ice Castles.
Leo Not even the grave will offer you peace after your relatives choose your epitaph from among their favorite beer slogans.
Virgo Your fame rises to such heights that your entire body is pressed permanently into the concrete sidewalk outside Mann's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood.
Libra The stars indicate that you need to become a more sensitive person. Try sandpapering your eyeballs.
Scorpio You will inspire many jokes after losing $500 to Helen Keller in a craps game.
Sagittarius You will be talked out of suicide by a crowd of relatives and friends who have learned how easy it is to swindle money from you.
Capricorn You melt away 50 pounds by taking a job cleaning up at a funeral parlor. Unfortunately, you also develop a bad habit of snacking on leftover bits of human flesh.
Aquarius A bargain struck with a small-time demon will result in your playing a high-stakes game of Skee-Ball this week for possession of your immortal soul.
Pisces After 10 years of friendship with your neighbors, you suddenly realize this week that their heads would look much better mounted on posts outside your home.
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