• Aries You'll go through a cranky phase this week, but by the weekend you'll be relaxed and cheered up, thanks to a loving hug from best-selling author James Michener.
  • Taurus You will start the week super-charged after a severed power line falls through your bathroom window and sends ball lightning into your shower.
  • Gemini Though you usually see eye-to-eye with your boss, he finally confronts you about your spending thousands of the company’s dollars on his wife's 900 number.
  • Cancer The pain of becoming a widow for the third time is eased somewhat when you purchase a car horn that plays the theme from Ice Castles.
  • Leo Not even the grave will offer you peace after your relatives choose your epitaph from among their favorite beer slogans.
  • Virgo Your fame rises to such heights that your entire body is pressed permanently into the concrete sidewalk outside Mann's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood.
  • Libra The stars indicate that you need to become a more sensitive person. Try sandpapering your eyeballs.
  • Scorpio You will inspire many jokes after losing $500 to Helen Keller in a craps game.
  • Sagittarius You will be talked out of suicide by a crowd of relatives and friends who have learned how easy it is to swindle money from you.
  • Capricorn You melt away 50 pounds by taking a job cleaning up at a funeral parlor. Unfortunately, you also develop a bad habit of snacking on leftover bits of human flesh.
  • Aquarius A bargain struck with a small-time demon will result in your playing a high-stakes game of Skee-Ball this week for possession of your immortal soul.
  • Pisces After 10 years of friendship with your neighbors, you suddenly realize this week that their heads would look much better mounted on posts outside your home.