Horoscope for the week of February 19, 2003

Horoscope ISSUE 39•06 Feb 19, 2003
  • Aries You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks.
  • Taurus The Spam Museum will seem a lot less fun and kitschy when you are put on permanent display.
  • Gemini Though it's true that you live a life of quiet desperation, with the right shabby clothes and scruffy beard, it could get you all the chicks.
  • Cancer There will be no monuments or memorials to mark your tragic and violent death during next week's bloody revolution in floor coverings.
  • Leo Religious turmoil looms large in your future as a vengeful God once again refuses to bless that mess.
  • Virgo You will finally acknowledge that being known as "America's Best-Kept Secret In Horribly Deformed Freaks" is kind of a mixed blessing.
  • Libra This week's mishap won't set your zookeeping career back much. Anyone could have mistaken Tyne Daly for a majestic silverback lowland gorilla.
  • Scorpio You don't want anything to come between you and your cats. Luckily, given your obesity and the tininess of your trailer, it's not physically possible.
  • Sagittarius You will be faced with the unenviable task of telling somebody that they have lost that loving feeling without breaking into song.
  • Capricorn While it's true that love means different things to different people, you'll be saddened by how many people think it includes shiny objects.
  • Aquarius Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
  • Pisces An unusual series of events will teach you to never underestimate the abilities of a master Ninja or pastry chef.