• Aries Your next-door neighbor continues to pull her blinds down every night. Perhaps she's trying to hide something.
  • Taurus You finally think of that perfect comeback several days too late, but it wouldn't have affected the judge's decision in the least.
  • Gemini You will be deeply disappointed to discover that the "hot new laptop" your boss promised you is just a computer.
  • Cancer The stars indicate that you are a warm, sweet, thoughtful person who deserves love and respect. They always pull that crap during pledge drives.
  • Leo The presence of Venus, Mars, and Mercury in your sign just means there's one more party you won't get invited to this week.
  • Virgo The strange thing about your death won't be the freak water-buffalo stampede. It'll be the fact that you truly deserved it.
  • Libra Avoid sexual relationships with your co-workers this week. You might not think they notice, but they do.
  • Scorpio The stars are getting really tired of the way you only come to them when you need something. Did it ever occur to you that they might like a little help with their future for once? God.
  • Sagittarius You and your spouse should consider spicing things up in the bedroom this week. Why not try having some sex?
  • Capricorn This is not a good week to start new projects. You're all out of tape.
  • Aquarius Love looms large this next week. Have fun watching other people experience how great it is.
  • Pisces You will feel cheated when you discover there's no law that says you have to be nice to old ladies.