Aries Your next-door neighbor continues to pull her blinds down every night. Perhaps she's trying to hide something.
Taurus You finally think of that perfect comeback several days too late, but it wouldn't have affected the judge's decision in the least.
Gemini You will be deeply disappointed to discover that the "hot new laptop" your boss promised you is just a computer.
Cancer The stars indicate that you are a warm, sweet, thoughtful person who deserves love and respect. They always pull that crap during pledge drives.
Leo The presence of Venus, Mars, and Mercury in your sign just means there's one more party you won't get invited to this week.
Virgo The strange thing about your death won't be the freak water-buffalo stampede. It'll be the fact that you truly deserved it.
Libra Avoid sexual relationships with your co-workers this week. You might not think they notice, but they do.
Scorpio The stars are getting really tired of the way you only come to them when you need something. Did it ever occur to you that they might like a little help with their future for once? God.
Sagittarius You and your spouse should consider spicing things up in the bedroom this week. Why not try having some sex?
Capricorn This is not a good week to start new projects. You're all out of tape.
Aquarius Love looms large this next week. Have fun watching other people experience how great it is.
Pisces You will feel cheated when you discover there's no law that says you have to be nice to old ladies.
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