Aries While the particulars of your final destination are unknown, the dread realm of Death doesn't seem so bad anymore, now that Johnny Carson's there.
Taurus You'll perform an act of selfless bravery next Friday in the false belief that the cameras are catching the whole thing.
Gemini Sure enough, when your adopted Chinese daughter arrives next week, you won't be able to understand a word she says because of her near-perfect English.
Cancer Nostalgia turns to tedium when, after inheriting your grandfather's cherished Zippo lighter, you waste two days figuring out how to fill the damn thing.
Leo You'll have no idea how to feel after being honored with a Kennedy Center Lunchtime Achievement Award.
Virgo You should carefully examine your thoughts and motivations before allowing yourself to experience ecstasy over William Safire's retirement.
Libra You'll cry because you have no shoes, but you frickin' cry at everything.
Scorpio It's said that if you die spectacularly and alone, you're a hero, but if you take others with you, you're a goat. Still, the human cannonball you'll soon meet for .00046 seconds will be the toast of the town.
Sagittarius You'll be surprisingly unconcerned with the theft of your intellectual property this week, when you find out that God stole your idea for a giant flying carnivorous porcupine that breathes fire.
Capricorn While you're happy you're no longer trapped on a desert island, it's getting tiresome to tell the story every time you ask about current celebrities.
Aquarius It's nice that you want to talk to kids about smoking, but everyone would rather you did it in public, during the day.
Pisces You'll be in rough shape after taking a long-distance airplane journey just barely over water.