Horoscope for the week of February 2, 2005

Horoscope ISSUE 41•05 Feb 2, 2005
  • Aries While the particulars of your final destination are unknown, the dread realm of Death doesn't seem so bad anymore, now that Johnny Carson's there.
  • Taurus You'll perform an act of selfless bravery next Friday in the false belief that the cameras are catching the whole thing.
  • Gemini Sure enough, when your adopted Chinese daughter arrives next week, you won't be able to understand a word she says because of her near-perfect English.
  • Cancer Nostalgia turns to tedium when, after inheriting your grandfather's cherished Zippo lighter, you waste two days figuring out how to fill the damn thing.
  • Leo You'll have no idea how to feel after being honored with a Kennedy Center Lunchtime Achievement Award.
  • Virgo You should carefully examine your thoughts and motivations before allowing yourself to experience ecstasy over William Safire's retirement.
  • Libra You'll cry because you have no shoes, but you frickin' cry at everything.
  • Scorpio It's said that if you die spectacularly and alone, you're a hero, but if you take others with you, you're a goat. Still, the human cannonball you'll soon meet for .00046 seconds will be the toast of the town.
  • Sagittarius You'll be surprisingly unconcerned with the theft of your intellectual property this week, when you find out that God stole your idea for a giant flying carnivorous porcupine that breathes fire.
  • Capricorn While you're happy you're no longer trapped on a desert island, it's getting tiresome to tell the story every time you ask about current celebrities.
  • Aquarius It's nice that you want to talk to kids about smoking, but everyone would rather you did it in public, during the day.
  • Pisces You'll be in rough shape after taking a long-distance airplane journey just barely over water.