• Aries Those hot-shot doctors may think your colon cancer is inoperable, but this week you and your trusty Scout knife are going to prove them wrong.
  • Taurus Confusion over the definition of the word "elope" will soon bring you familiarity with Las Vegas' surprisingly comprehensive animal-cruelty laws.
  • Gemini You will be chained to a rock, upon which eagles will devour your liver for all eternity, after you steal the secret of a great marinara sauce from the gods.
  • Cancer You didn't think you were the type to marry a convicted murderer after reading his letters, but everyone else did.
  • Leo Remember, it's perfectly normal for your body to go through some changes while you are in the phase known as "post-mortem deliquescence."
  • Virgo Anger and frustration overtake you when you decide that if you cannot have Betty Rubble, no man will.
  • Libra After his untimely death, all those mean things you said about Dave will come back to haunt you. As will Dave himself.
  • Scorpio A lovestruck man will play guitar and sing underneath your bedroom window this week, which might be romantic if it weren't Ted Nugent.
  • Sagittarius You will spend the next few days in the company of people who firmly believe that you hate figure skating because of your lack of ability at it.
  • Capricorn You will soon find yourself entangled in a messy accident with a knife thrower, although drunk driving, not knife throwing, is actually the real issue.
  • Aquarius Gustav Holst will appear to you in a dream and refuse to leave until you agree that John Williams has been ripping him off for years.
  • Pisces It's not true that all the good band names are taken. But if believing that keeps you from starting a band, great.