Aries Your conviction that there is meaning and purpose to life is shattered when you are reminded of the existence of Phyllis Diller.
Taurus Though you know the difference between a pseudopod and a blastula, you can't figure out why you would suddenly sprout so many of them.
Gemini Until next Thursday, you would have sworn on a stack of Bibles that unicycles couldn't explode.
Cancer You will enjoy increased attention when you are chosen as the site of the 2008 Summer Olympics.
Leo You will finally achieve lasting peace of mind this week, moments after a wayward icepick removes your frontal lobe.
Virgo Your whole view of the universe will change drastically when you learn you have been greatly overestimating the strength of the weak nuclear force.
Libra No one can say you don't have good all-American values. After all, you're the House Of All-American Values off Route 40 in Davenport, IA.
Scorpio Your conspiracy theory about a shadowy cabal of high-ranking Hardee's executives who run the Hardee's restaurant chain from behind the scenes turns out to be frighteningly close to reality.
Sagittarius The worst thing about the bloody events of next week will be that Penn and Teller feel no need to apologize for any of it.
Capricorn Though you're not sure why people are always telling you to go screw yourself, there's no real reason not to.
Aquarius The derisive laughter of others is silenced when your deed to the Brooklyn Bridge turns out to be legal and ironclad.
Pisces Try to keep things in proper perspective this week, even after you lose your left eye to marauding longbowmen.
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