Horoscope for the week of February 21, 2001

- video
- sports
- On TV
- politics
- news beat
- more
- social
- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- Nicolas Cage Puppeteer
- Aging Americans
- Downton Abbey
- Obama Rant
- Last Updated 4:21 PM

Horoscope

Article Tools

Email

Email

To:

From:
Print
Share
Share
- Facebook
- Digg
- Stumble
- Reddit

Aries Your conviction that there is meaning and purpose to life is shattered when you are reminded of the existence of Phyllis Diller.

Taurus Though you know the difference between a pseudopod and a blastula, you can't figure out why you would suddenly sprout so many of them.

Gemini Until next Thursday, you would have sworn on a stack of Bibles that unicycles couldn't explode.

Cancer You will enjoy increased attention when you are chosen as the site of the 2008 Summer Olympics.

Leo You will finally achieve lasting peace of mind this week, moments after a wayward icepick removes your frontal lobe.

Virgo Your whole view of the universe will change drastically when you learn you have been greatly overestimating the strength of the weak nuclear force.

Libra No one can say you don't have good all-American values. After all, you're the House Of All-American Values off Route 40 in Davenport, IA.

Scorpio Your conspiracy theory about a shadowy cabal of high-ranking Hardee's executives who run the Hardee's restaurant chain from behind the scenes turns out to be frighteningly close to reality.

Sagittarius The worst thing about the bloody events of next week will be that Penn and Teller feel no need to apologize for any of it.

Capricorn Though you're not sure why people are always telling you to go screw yourself, there's no real reason not to.

Aquarius The derisive laughter of others is silenced when your deed to the Brooklyn Bridge turns out to be legal and ironclad.

Pisces Try to keep things in proper perspective this week, even after you lose your left eye to marauding longbowmen.

More Horoscope

« Horoscope for the week of February ... (February 14, 2001)
Horoscope for the week of February ... » (February 28, 2001)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...