• Aries Your conviction that there is meaning and purpose to life is shattered when you are reminded of the existence of Phyllis Diller.
  • Taurus Though you know the difference between a pseudopod and a blastula, you can't figure out why you would suddenly sprout so many of them.
  • Gemini Until next Thursday, you would have sworn on a stack of Bibles that unicycles couldn't explode.
  • Cancer You will enjoy increased attention when you are chosen as the site of the 2008 Summer Olympics.
  • Leo You will finally achieve lasting peace of mind this week, moments after a wayward icepick removes your frontal lobe.
  • Virgo Your whole view of the universe will change drastically when you learn you have been greatly overestimating the strength of the weak nuclear force.
  • Libra No one can say you don't have good all-American values. After all, you're the House Of All-American Values off Route 40 in Davenport, IA.
  • Scorpio Your conspiracy theory about a shadowy cabal of high-ranking Hardee's executives who run the Hardee's restaurant chain from behind the scenes turns out to be frighteningly close to reality.
  • Sagittarius The worst thing about the bloody events of next week will be that Penn and Teller feel no need to apologize for any of it.
  • Capricorn Though you're not sure why people are always telling you to go screw yourself, there's no real reason not to.
  • Aquarius The derisive laughter of others is silenced when your deed to the Brooklyn Bridge turns out to be legal and ironclad.
  • Pisces Try to keep things in proper perspective this week, even after you lose your left eye to marauding longbowmen.