Horoscope for the week of February 23, 2000

Horoscope ISSUE 36•06 Feb 23, 2000
  • Aries Though you've been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn't kill you, the coroner's report will contain evidence to the contrary.
  • Taurus You're in for an unpleasant surprise when you break society's unwritten rule against murder.
  • Gemini Gemini969 World Series MVP Donn Clendenon would like to have a word with you about his disappointing experience as your childhood sports hero.
  • Cancer You know full well what's going to happen this week: You'll get a job or this relationship is over.
  • Leo The Bureau of Zodiac Affairs has decided to reserve the star-sign Leo for Native Americans. Please be ready to provide proof of heritage.
  • Virgo The coming of spring means it may finally be time to let the long, lonely trick-or-treat come to an end.
  • Libra You will achieve a sort of fame after being featured on the History Channel's Great Masturbators Of The 1980s.
  • Scorpio Despite your best efforts, Portugal still has only the 33rd highest per-capita gross domestic product.
  • Sagittarius The stars say you are handsome, smart, and their new best friend, but two seconds later, they ask to borrow your car.
  • Capricorn When planning your week's schedule, don't forget about the part between Tuesday and Friday.
  • Aquarius Resolve to finish projects this week. This is no time to stop halfway up the Space Needle with a backpack full of high explosives and Jell-O.
  • Pisces The stars apologize for always getting to you last, but you're by far the least important.