Horoscope for the week of February 23, 2005

Horoscope ISSUE 41•08 Feb 23, 2005
  • Aries You'll have an identity crisis when you find out your life is just another Internet rumor.
  • Taurus When the aliens finally initiate relations, you'll be surprised to find their mysterious handbook is, when translated, actually a drink-mixing guide.
  • Gemini You always wondered which of your sins would send you to hell, but you never thought it would be tipping Roger $2.34 on a $60 check.
  • Cancer You're not excusing your own ignorance in the matter, but the Museum of Modern Art should've announced that the fur-lined teacup was not for drinking.
  • Leo Your contribution to the performing arts is limited to the fact that your mama is so fat almost anything can be said about her.
  • Virgo You'll somehow manage to lose your lucky glass vial of smallpox culture in the subway, but that's okay—you've got a 10-gallon cooler of the stuff in your basement.
  • Libra You have no idea why thousands of shrieking, lovesick teens chase you everywhere you go, but you're pretty sure it's not because of your shitty albums.
  • Scorpio After nine long hours, fried-chicken company executives will finally find a monetary figure that convinces you to leave the taste-test.
  • Sagittarius It's true that we live in a disposable culture, but that's no reason to wad men up into little balls and throw them in the trash when you're done using them.
  • Capricorn Your life will take a horrible turn, due to your inability to tell how old girls are and where cameras are hidden.
  • Aquarius Unfortunately, the rain will arrive at the precise moment when you're about to answer the age-old question of whether fire is man's friend or foe.
  • Pisces For 15 terrifying minutes, the universe will indeed revolve around you, causing the death of billions because you decide to skip rope.