Aries You'll have an identity crisis when you find out your life is just another Internet rumor.
Taurus When the aliens finally initiate relations, you'll be surprised to find their mysterious handbook is, when translated, actually a drink-mixing guide.
Gemini You always wondered which of your sins would send you to hell, but you never thought it would be tipping Roger $2.34 on a $60 check.
Cancer You're not excusing your own ignorance in the matter, but the Museum of Modern Art should've announced that the fur-lined teacup was not for drinking.
Leo Your contribution to the performing arts is limited to the fact that your mama is so fat almost anything can be said about her.
Virgo You'll somehow manage to lose your lucky glass vial of smallpox culture in the subway, but that's okay—you've got a 10-gallon cooler of the stuff in your basement.
Libra You have no idea why thousands of shrieking, lovesick teens chase you everywhere you go, but you're pretty sure it's not because of your shitty albums.
Scorpio After nine long hours, fried-chicken company executives will finally find a monetary figure that convinces you to leave the taste-test.
Sagittarius It's true that we live in a disposable culture, but that's no reason to wad men up into little balls and throw them in the trash when you're done using them.
Capricorn Your life will take a horrible turn, due to your inability to tell how old girls are and where cameras are hidden.
Aquarius Unfortunately, the rain will arrive at the precise moment when you're about to answer the age-old question of whether fire is man's friend or foe.
Pisces For 15 terrifying minutes, the universe will indeed revolve around you, causing the death of billions because you decide to skip rope.
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