Aries Explorers will finally find the long lost city of Atlantis this week. All the evidence will point to you.
Taurus Excitement and romance are Taurus' lot this week when, dressed as a high-priced hooker, you infiltrate the Governor’s Ball and get free snacks.
Gemini You and your spouse find a good way to bring excitement back into the bedroom. Expect to be pinned down behind the bureau by small arms fire for the next several weeks.
Cancer The whimsical unicorn from the back of your denim vest will magically come to life and frame you for counterfeiting.
Leo You will finally find your heart’s desire, but not in your first color choice.
Virgo Fewer things in life are as good and pure as you once believed. After Friday, you’ll cross "cute puppies" off your list.
Libra Yet another perfect witchburning will be ruined by the presence of irritating smoke alarms. Consider finding a new apartment.
Scorpio The courts will finally grant you access to your permanent record, but it contains only a disturbingly complete history of Menudo.
Sagittarius Make a move toward self-improvement this week. Mark the toes of your shoes with a large "L" and “R" as needed.
Capricorn Your parents will finally admit that your birth was the result of 1974's most ambitious and controversial 4-H project.
Aquarius Events will teach you the hard lesson that money is not the most important thing in the world. Nice shoes are.
Pisces The stars are flattered you asked, but your future can only be read in steaming-fresh sheep entrails.
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