• Aries Explorers will finally find the long lost city of Atlantis this week. All the evidence will point to you.
  • Taurus Excitement and romance are Taurus' lot this week when, dressed as a high-priced hooker, you infiltrate the Governor’s Ball and get free snacks.
  • Gemini You and your spouse find a good way to bring excitement back into the bedroom. Expect to be pinned down behind the bureau by small arms fire for the next several weeks.
  • Cancer The whimsical unicorn from the back of your denim vest will magically come to life and frame you for counterfeiting.
  • Leo You will finally find your heart’s desire, but not in your first color choice.
  • Virgo Fewer things in life are as good and pure as you once believed. After Friday, you’ll cross "cute puppies" off your list.
  • Libra Yet another perfect witchburning will be ruined by the presence of irritating smoke alarms. Consider finding a new apartment.
  • Scorpio The courts will finally grant you access to your permanent record, but it contains only a disturbingly complete history of Menudo.
  • Sagittarius Make a move toward self-improvement this week. Mark the toes of your shoes with a large "L" and “R" as needed.
  • Capricorn Your parents will finally admit that your birth was the result of 1974's most ambitious and controversial 4-H project.
  • Aquarius Events will teach you the hard lesson that money is not the most important thing in the world. Nice shoes are.
  • Pisces The stars are flattered you asked, but your future can only be read in steaming-fresh sheep entrails.