• Aries Your week takes a turn for the worse when your favorite restaurant takes your favorite meal off the menu. Sneak in at night and fill all the salt shakers with arsenic.
  • Taurus Your marriage will finally fall apart this week when your spouse, in a fit of pique, takes the cheerleading squad's word over yours.
  • Gemini Dedicate yourself to the vision of poet Herman Hesse, who declared war on cheap, false beauty: Kill every figure skater you can find.
  • Cancer To your chagrin, you will learn that, despite your large staff of assistants, cellular phone, car fax, and tailored navy-blue Armani suits, you are not yet a complete asshole.
  • Leo You will receive a politely worded form letter from the AARP asking you to help make the world nice and quiet.
  • Virgo Though the next few weeks will be a living hell, you will summon the strength to go on the same way you always have: by inflicting endless pain and humiliation upon your family and friends.
  • Libra If you seize opportunity and play your cards right this week, you will probably still stay in the same dead-end job.
  • Scorpio You will feel strange and awkward this week when you realize that the little voice in your head is actually just James Earl Jones standing behind you whispering lewd suggestions.
  • Sagittarius Three nutty friends, three snowboards, a broken-down old van, and a suitcase full of money combine for some wacky hijinks tonight on Sag!
  • Capricorn Unfortunately, you left visible fingerprints on the ransom note.
  • Aquarius A routine speeding ticket turns into a party when you are arrested by America's horniest cops.
  • Pisces Your friends disown you and stone you in public when they discover that you've been keeping company with Andrew.