• Aries An old euphemism will come in handy this week when your roommate ingests too much acid, causing him to sit in the living room and throw his shit into an electric fan.
  • Taurus Your period of intense mourning for a recently departed loved one continues this week. Next time, remember to over-insure and kill someone you do not like.
  • Gemini A brush with greatness goes sour when you spend an evening drinking tea with literary giant Ernest Hemingway's putrefied corpse.
  • Cancer The ghosts of several great athletes will appear in a vision and send you on a quest: You must spend the rest of your life searching the world for a better-tasting light beer.
  • Leo Your excessive greed and horrible small-mindedness are revealed when you slaughter your magic pet goose that lays dimes.
  • Virgo You will be beaten to death by an angry mob of 35- to 50-year-old, middle-class white people when they overhear you declaring your undying hatred of the Beatles.
  • Libra Your decision to save a few dollars by packing a lunch for work every day is met with widespread scorn by your co-workers. However, they must laugh at you in secret, as you are Bill Gates.
  • Scorpio Your recent money troubles will be a thing of the past when you realize that, coma or no coma, people will pay to have sex with your grandma.
  • Sagittarius An elite council of intellectuals and great thinkers chooses you from among thousands of applicants to tell Woody Allen to shut up.
  • Capricorn Your deep, personal belief in the universal order of things is shaken by an incorrect fortune-cookie prediction.
  • Aquarius Your witty barroom telling of an old joke about an insomniac, a dyslexic and an agnostic will be met with a long, leaden silence.
  • Pisces After being rushed to the emergency room with a massive facial gunshot wound, you are consoled by a nurse who tells you that childbirth is worse.