• Aries You have thoroughly wasted your potential over the past five years--years you could have spent deep-frying professionally.
  • Taurus A fast-talking huckster sells you the Brooklyn Bridge for \$93.8 million, but it turns out it's all perfectly legal.
  • Gemini The ladies won't be able to keep their hands off you this week, thanks to a sharp new look consisting of tailored suits made from bubble wrap.
  • Cancer You will experience a surge in popularity when talk-show host Wayne Brady publicly declares you his personal nemesis.
  • Leo You will finally grow mature enough to accept your own mortality, just moments before the freak elephant stampede.
  • Virgo The community's response to your drunken riding-mower accident will start a hilarious national trend in roadside memorial art.
  • Libra That run for the record books once again falls short when you start Boston's all-time second-largest fire.
  • Scorpio You will be mentioned several times in Jack Palance's explanation of why he no longer does one-handed push-ups in public.
  • Sagittarius You are renowned for your kind and loving nature, thanks mainly to a crack PR team.
  • Capricorn The increased precipitation in your area continues, thanks largely to that little black storm cloud that follows you everywhere.
  • Aquarius It's been quite a while since the stars mentioned the nurses chained up in your basement, but don't worry: They haven't forgotten they're down there.
  • Pisces The dying celebrity-boxing fad is revitalized when Ellen Cleghorne announces she's ready and willing to go 12 rounds with you.