Aries You have thoroughly wasted your potential over the past five years--years you could have spent deep-frying professionally.
Taurus A fast-talking huckster sells you the Brooklyn Bridge for \$93.8 million, but it turns out it's all perfectly legal.
Gemini The ladies won't be able to keep their hands off you this week, thanks to a sharp new look consisting of tailored suits made from bubble wrap.
Cancer You will experience a surge in popularity when talk-show host Wayne Brady publicly declares you his personal nemesis.
Leo You will finally grow mature enough to accept your own mortality, just moments before the freak elephant stampede.
Virgo The community's response to your drunken riding-mower accident will start a hilarious national trend in roadside memorial art.
Libra That run for the record books once again falls short when you start Boston's all-time second-largest fire.
Scorpio You will be mentioned several times in Jack Palance's explanation of why he no longer does one-handed push-ups in public.
Sagittarius You are renowned for your kind and loving nature, thanks mainly to a crack PR team.
Capricorn The increased precipitation in your area continues, thanks largely to that little black storm cloud that follows you everywhere.
Aquarius It's been quite a while since the stars mentioned the nurses chained up in your basement, but don't worry: They haven't forgotten they're down there.
Pisces The dying celebrity-boxing fad is revitalized when Ellen Cleghorne announces she's ready and willing to go 12 rounds with you.
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