• Aries This week, envy rears its ugly head, realizes there's nothing enviable about you, blinks a couple times, and goes back to sleep.
  • Taurus One of your biggest problems is your inability to take life as it comes. Another is your ongoing inability to take your own life.
  • Gemini You have always considered yourself a belt-and-suspenders type, which makes it all the more amusing when your pants fall down anyway.
  • Cancer You have as bright a future in the area of romance as in just about any other area, as far as that goes.
  • Leo There are thousands of types of people in the world: The type that divides the world up into two types of people, and the thousands of other types.
  • Virgo Though you believe otherwise, it is not healthy to prefer the novels of Henry James to actual human contact.
  • Libra Your fascination with monkeys is so well known that it makes the selection of an unbiased jury nearly impossible.
  • Scorpio Your conviction that there is a monster under the bed would be a mere eccentricity if you weren't so heavily armed and it was your own bed.
  • Sagittarius Your bladder-control problems are a thing of the past when you find yourself able to consistently hit a two-inch target at 100 yards.
  • Capricorn You will finally accept responsibility for your infant daughter. With any luck, she's still where you left her last month.
  • Aquarius A person can only hide behind one's virginity for so long. Even if, as in your case, it is a particularly harsh and forbidding virginity.
  • Pisces Your money problems will worsen this week when the other prisoners start trading you for fewer cigarettes than usual.