Aries This week, envy rears its ugly head, realizes there's nothing enviable about you, blinks a couple times, and goes back to sleep.
Taurus One of your biggest problems is your inability to take life as it comes. Another is your ongoing inability to take your own life.
Gemini You have always considered yourself a belt-and-suspenders type, which makes it all the more amusing when your pants fall down anyway.
Cancer You have as bright a future in the area of romance as in just about any other area, as far as that goes.
Leo There are thousands of types of people in the world: The type that divides the world up into two types of people, and the thousands of other types.
Virgo Though you believe otherwise, it is not healthy to prefer the novels of Henry James to actual human contact.
Libra Your fascination with monkeys is so well known that it makes the selection of an unbiased jury nearly impossible.
Scorpio Your conviction that there is a monster under the bed would be a mere eccentricity if you weren't so heavily armed and it was your own bed.
Sagittarius Your bladder-control problems are a thing of the past when you find yourself able to consistently hit a two-inch target at 100 yards.
Capricorn You will finally accept responsibility for your infant daughter. With any luck, she's still where you left her last month.
Aquarius A person can only hide behind one's virginity for so long. Even if, as in your case, it is a particularly harsh and forbidding virginity.
Pisces Your money problems will worsen this week when the other prisoners start trading you for fewer cigarettes than usual.
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