Aries You will be surprised to learn that even refrigerators can burn if they manage to get hot enough.
Taurus You've always thought the difference between you and other people was your uncommon empathy, but it turns out it's the tentacles.
Gemini Your insistence on wearing a helmet every time you ride your bike turns out to be smart in light of your wishes for an open-casket funeral.
Cancer You knew that the veins in the human body, stretched end-to-end, would reach from L.A. to Tokyo, but it's still impressive to see it firsthand.
Leo You will learn from bitter experience that it's not a good idea to ask certain people how they're doing.
Virgo You will have your name immortalized for future generations on a fancy plaque after perishing in next Sunday's O'Hare Airport disaster.
Libra Though New York still refuses to award you the keys to the city, the citizens of Cleveland have seen fit to tell you their locker combination.
Scorpio You have blossomed following a period of unprecedented spiritual and emotional growth. Now, however, it is time for a lot of injudicious pruning.
Sagittarius You've listened to it over and over, but you still fail to see how Frampton is supposed to "come alive."
Capricorn Your irrational fear of doctors will finally disappear this week and be replaced by a very rational, justified fear of them.
Aquarius You will wish you had heeded your mother's warnings concerning pickle consumption when you suddenly turn into one of the briny cucumbers.
Pisces You're beginning to think that, though it seemed satisfying at the time, perhaps voting for Nader was not the most politically astute thing you've done.
0