• Aries You've been feeling bad about wasting your life, but there's really nothing useful you could have done with it, anyway.
  • Taurus The inexplicable rain that always pours from underneath your umbrella will finally stop, moments before your derby hat catches fire.
  • Gemini You know those guys in Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert? The stars think those guys must be, like, gay.
  • Cancer Your weekly visit to the cemetery goes bad when you tell your problems to your mom's grave just as the sarcastic zombies begin to rise.
  • Leo The search for meaning in life is a worthy pursuit, but the search for meaning in your particular life is a real waste of time.
  • Virgo It turns out Jean-Baptiste Lamarck, who classified the clouds, named the cold, fat, puffy little damp ones after you.
  • Libra The engineering principles behind the suspension bridge make it possible for you to plummet from a great height into extremely deep water this week.
  • Scorpio You will continue to honor the great American democratic tradition of blindly trusting and obeying those you deem superior to yourself.
  • Sagittarius True to your mediocre nature, you will soon be confronted with a difficult choice between the Homely Lady and the Passive, Undersized Tiger.
  • Capricorn For the last time, that's not "ball lightning." It's a form of static electricity unique to your unusually hirsute groin.
  • Aquarius Your new pheromone-based scent will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.
  • Pisces You're starting to think that if men had been meant to swim through solid rock as if it were water, they would have been born with fulminating lava ducts.