• Aries You will finally reach an agreement with Satan and receive a four-piece chicken dinner with two sides in exchange for your immortal soul.
  • Taurus Your death by electric chair will be stopped at the last minute by an urgent phone call from the governor, who wants to hear the cool screaming and frying sounds.
  • Gemini A loving Libra will fill your life with caring, respect, and heartfelt compassion. Tell him or her that Geminis and Libras are not compatible.
  • Cancer Your life will be thrown into chaos when forces beyond your control trap you in Baraboo, Wisconsin, home of the nationally renowned Circus World Museum.
  • Leo Shortly after your death, you will be confronted by a pair of muscular angels who strongly advise you not to head into the warm white light.
  • Virgo Fire and earth magicks are strong in Virgo this week. An annoying in-law will soon present you with the unwanted gift of a kitschy lava lamp.
  • Libra You will be fired from your job when your boss loses his patience with your friend Roger, who always seems to be hanging around with you at work.
  • Scorpio The stars indicate that superstition and ignorance lie behind your belief in little green men from outer space. Heed their celestial words.
  • Sagittarius Saturn in your sign indicates that it is Savings And Sale-A-Bration Month down at your friendly neighborhood Saturn dealer.
  • Capricorn You begin to detect a cosmic pattern in your life when TNT shows three Robert Mitchum movies in a row.
  • Aquarius Your family has long been divided by arguments and petty quarrels, but they will all make amends at your funeral.
  • Pisces God will appear to you in a dream and tell you that loving you is the part of His job He hates the most.