• Aries In a fit of pique, you foolishly ignore the advice of a good friend and find yourself in possession of hundreds of worthless wooden nickels.
  • Taurus Your cosmic life-force is inextricably tied to the current swing craze. At the cost of your life, do not let this trend die out.
  • Gemini You'll be cool and calm through Wednesday, but after that, you'll need a new horoscope or panic will set in.
  • Cancer Allow yourself a rare moment of pleasure this week. Then stop forever.
  • Leo The rare convergence of Mercury and the sun will cause emotional shock waves for Leo, not to mention send Mercury hurtling into the sun.
  • Virgo You'll breathe a sigh of relief when a certain nurse-killing statue of limitations finally goes into effect.
  • Libra Soon, you will finally come to the end of a long string of personal problems. Decide on a clever epitaph by Sunday.
  • Scorpio You thought your true love would last forever, but you're shocked to discover an expiration date printed on the back, just below the consumer warnings.
  • Sagittarius An emotional clash of wills results in your getting exactly what you want once again, you spoiled, worthless, goddamned manipulative brat.
  • Capricorn Remember well the lessons you've learned: A milkman's collarbone breaks five times easier than his ribs.
  • Aquarius If your confidence fails you on the third of the month, remember: It was pretty unrealistic, anyway.
  • Pisces You'll be doubly blessed when Venus gives you charms to seduce your dream lover, and Mars sends you to your glorious death at the Battle of Anzio.