Aries In a fit of pique, you foolishly ignore the advice of a good friend and find yourself in possession of hundreds of worthless wooden nickels.
Taurus Your cosmic life-force is inextricably tied to the current swing craze. At the cost of your life, do not let this trend die out.
Gemini You'll be cool and calm through Wednesday, but after that, you'll need a new horoscope or panic will set in.
Cancer Allow yourself a rare moment of pleasure this week. Then stop forever.
Leo The rare convergence of Mercury and the sun will cause emotional shock waves for Leo, not to mention send Mercury hurtling into the sun.
Virgo You'll breathe a sigh of relief when a certain nurse-killing statue of limitations finally goes into effect.
Libra Soon, you will finally come to the end of a long string of personal problems. Decide on a clever epitaph by Sunday.
Scorpio You thought your true love would last forever, but you're shocked to discover an expiration date printed on the back, just below the consumer warnings.
Sagittarius An emotional clash of wills results in your getting exactly what you want once again, you spoiled, worthless, goddamned manipulative brat.
Capricorn Remember well the lessons you've learned: A milkman's collarbone breaks five times easier than his ribs.
Aquarius If your confidence fails you on the third of the month, remember: It was pretty unrealistic, anyway.
Pisces You'll be doubly blessed when Venus gives you charms to seduce your dream lover, and Mars sends you to your glorious death at the Battle of Anzio.
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