Horoscope for the week of February 4, 2004

Horoscope ISSUE 40•05 Feb 4, 2004
  • Aries This week, the process of gradual and minimal change in your life will begin, so be ready to accept entirely new placements of furniture.
  • Taurus Your self-image takes yet another blow when Pam Grier farms your ass-kicking out to a tired-looking bottle blonde.
  • Gemini For the second time in a century, you will find yourself emotionally and artistically unprepared for an outbreak of Big Band Fever.
  • Cancer Valentine's Day is once again almost upon you, and once again, it doesn't mean anything at all.
  • Leo Be open to suggestions, as this week marks the start of a new era of freedom and risk-taking for Leo. Now, mail us all your pants.
  • Virgo It's generally agreed that eyewitnesses aren't always reliable, but everyone swears that they saw you whispering to the cattle moments before the stampede.
  • Libra After a long review of the issues and the candidates' positions on them, you're pretty sure you won't vote this time, either.
  • Scorpio They'll say that you're finally free, that you're no longer in pain, and that you're in a better place, but you'll know what the wishy-washy pricks really mean.
  • Sagittarius If your controversial calculations are correct, Eddie was almost 30 when they recorded "Hot For Teacher."
  • Capricorn You're not one to blindly do what others suggest, but you can't think of a good reason not to go fuck yourself.
  • Aquarius You're tempting fate if you keep mentioning that you've only got two weeks before your retirement from the Chicken Shack.
  • Pisces Most people are either part of the solution or part of the problem, but you're one of the red herrings thrown into the answer set to mislead test-takers.