Aries This week, the process of gradual and minimal change in your life will begin, so be ready to accept entirely new placements of furniture.
Taurus Your self-image takes yet another blow when Pam Grier farms your ass-kicking out to a tired-looking bottle blonde.
Gemini For the second time in a century, you will find yourself emotionally and artistically unprepared for an outbreak of Big Band Fever.
Cancer Valentine's Day is once again almost upon you, and once again, it doesn't mean anything at all.
Leo Be open to suggestions, as this week marks the start of a new era of freedom and risk-taking for Leo. Now, mail us all your pants.
Virgo It's generally agreed that eyewitnesses aren't always reliable, but everyone swears that they saw you whispering to the cattle moments before the stampede.
Libra After a long review of the issues and the candidates' positions on them, you're pretty sure you won't vote this time, either.
Scorpio They'll say that you're finally free, that you're no longer in pain, and that you're in a better place, but you'll know what the wishy-washy pricks really mean.
Sagittarius If your controversial calculations are correct, Eddie was almost 30 when they recorded "Hot For Teacher."
Capricorn You're not one to blindly do what others suggest, but you can't think of a good reason not to go fuck yourself.
Aquarius You're tempting fate if you keep mentioning that you've only got two weeks before your retirement from the Chicken Shack.
Pisces Most people are either part of the solution or part of the problem, but you're one of the red herrings thrown into the answer set to mislead test-takers.
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