• Aries Your enjoyment of a Vancouver Canucks hockey game will be spoiled when the stadium organist tries to seduce you by repeatedly mentioning that he is the stadium organist.
  • Taurus Your belief that "there's no room for second place" creates friction between you and your spouse when you are blessed with twins but disagree over which one to keep.
  • Gemini After your parents die in an auto accident, insult will be added to injury when your spouse says they were better than you in bed.
  • Cancer Your faith in a well-ordered universe is shattered when Jesus Christ comes down off the cross and beats you with a half-empty gin bottle, screaming that disco is not dead.
  • Leo You will be convinced that you are pregnant several times this week, but you only have to go number two.
  • Virgo Your psyche suffers retroactive trauma this week when, after you break up with your scientist lover, he invents a time machine and travels back to the '70s to ruin your once-happy childhood.
  • Libra Miscommunication between you and a rabbi will result in your being converted into pure atomic energy instead of Judaism.
  • Scorpio Your bungled suicide attempt goes unnoticed, and you will eventually starve to death while hanging by your wrists from the light fixture.
  • Sagittarius February brings with it a need for inner cleansing. Use industrial-grade lye and a long-handled wire brush.
  • Capricorn The splatter-porn film you starred in many years ago resurfaces, but don’t be embarrassed: Eight-year olds are allowed to make mistakes.
  • Aquarius That special someone who keeps promising to buy you sexy underwear finally does, but you are unable to persuade him to take it off his head.
  • Pisces Veteran actor Robert Culp appears to you in a dream and winks knowingly.