Horoscope for the week of February 5, 2003

Horoscope ISSUE 39•04 Feb 5, 2003
  • Aries The stars will soon be in a unique alignment, revealing a mysterious sign in the heavens. Which sounds impressive but means you'll be able to see a birdie.
  • Taurus You will never again be able to live in peace due to the enduring and seductive power of your moose call.
  • Gemini You will spend three frustrating weeks trying to incorporate the word "evanescent" into a sentence.
  • Cancer Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.
  • Leo Your discovery of an unabridged dictionary will take much of the fun and creativity out of Scrabble.
  • Virgo Just so you know: If you speak fluent Farsi and have a thorough knowledge of Middle Eastern culture but don't like travel, it's a good time to keep your mouth shut.
  • Libra It might be heartfelt, but your long, freeform version of "Old Man River" will get your lily-white ass laughed off the stage.
  • Scorpio Just because that man is dead and in his grave doesn't mean you can go around squeezing the Charmin as much as you please.
  • Sagittarius You haven't worn it since college, but don't be surprised when your old suit still fits. It is made of rubber, after all.
  • Capricorn Actually, "mannickjore" refers to the white-necked stork of the Indian subcontinent, more commonly known to white settlers as the "beefsteak bird."
  • Aquarius It was nice of Utah Jazz great Karl Malone to visit you in the hospital, though you are not sick and easily could have entertained him at home.
  • Pisces Something big is in your future. Please be sure to note the absence of any specific positives in that sentence.