Horoscope for the week of February 5, 2003

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Aries The stars will soon be in a unique alignment, revealing a mysterious sign in the heavens. Which sounds impressive but means you'll be able to see a birdie.

Taurus You will never again be able to live in peace due to the enduring and seductive power of your moose call.

Gemini You will spend three frustrating weeks trying to incorporate the word "evanescent" into a sentence.

Cancer Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.

Leo Your discovery of an unabridged dictionary will take much of the fun and creativity out of Scrabble.

Virgo Just so you know: If you speak fluent Farsi and have a thorough knowledge of Middle Eastern culture but don't like travel, it's a good time to keep your mouth shut.

Libra It might be heartfelt, but your long, freeform version of "Old Man River" will get your lily-white ass laughed off the stage.

Scorpio Just because that man is dead and in his grave doesn't mean you can go around squeezing the Charmin as much as you please.

Sagittarius You haven't worn it since college, but don't be surprised when your old suit still fits. It is made of rubber, after all.

Capricorn Actually, "mannickjore" refers to the white-necked stork of the Indian subcontinent, more commonly known to white settlers as the "beefsteak bird."

Aquarius It was nice of Utah Jazz great Karl Malone to visit you in the hospital, though you are not sick and easily could have entertained him at home.

Pisces Something big is in your future. Please be sure to note the absence of any specific positives in that sentence.

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