Horoscope for the week of February 6, 2002

Horoscope ISSUE 38•04 Feb 6, 2002
  • Aries Though you are unable to cultivate a reputation as a great lover of women, yourreputation as an above-average lover of pancakes remains secure.
  • Taurus You can probably put it off for a while, but eventually you'll have to figure out whatall those sirens mean.
  • Gemini In time, Death comes to all men, but the way he keeps stopping by to have a beer and moan about the Steelers' AFC Championship loss is a little pathetic.
  • Cancer Your insistence that "if they wanted people to understand the penal code, they would've written it down somewhere" will only get you so far.
  • Leo Your missing legs don't have to be a handicap. At least not in some strange alternate universe where people are flying saucers from the waist down.
  • Virgo You'll save more than $40,000 by freezing your corpse in a bathtub full of ice instead of springing for the cryogenics.
  • Libra Even if you live to be 100, you'll never understand homosexuality. But don't let that stop you from having sex with all those guys.
  • Scorpio Telling the waitress that you could make a better cup of coffee from the sweat on your balls won't do her any good. Show her how.
  • Sagittarius You will cry because you have no shoes, until you see a man who has several pairs he doesn't even wear. Then, you will cry great, heaving sobs until you can hardly even breathe.
  • Capricorn You should have more folding chairs around. If wrestlers come over and can't find one, they'll use something else.
  • Aquarius You should have realized long before the bag rotted away that the snipe isn't ever coming out.
  • Pisces The stars say you should be patient and that it can't last forever. They didn't say what they're talking about, though.