Aries Though you are unable to cultivate a reputation as a great lover of women, yourreputation as an above-average lover of pancakes remains secure.
Taurus You can probably put it off for a while, but eventually you'll have to figure out whatall those sirens mean.
Gemini In time, Death comes to all men, but the way he keeps stopping by to have a beer and moan about the Steelers' AFC Championship loss is a little pathetic.
Cancer Your insistence that "if they wanted people to understand the penal code, they would've written it down somewhere" will only get you so far.
Leo Your missing legs don't have to be a handicap. At least not in some strange alternate universe where people are flying saucers from the waist down.
Virgo You'll save more than $40,000 by freezing your corpse in a bathtub full of ice instead of springing for the cryogenics.
Libra Even if you live to be 100, you'll never understand homosexuality. But don't let that stop you from having sex with all those guys.
Scorpio Telling the waitress that you could make a better cup of coffee from the sweat on your balls won't do her any good. Show her how.
Sagittarius You will cry because you have no shoes, until you see a man who has several pairs he doesn't even wear. Then, you will cry great, heaving sobs until you can hardly even breathe.
Capricorn You should have more folding chairs around. If wrestlers come over and can't find one, they'll use something else.
Aquarius You should have realized long before the bag rotted away that the snipe isn't ever coming out.
Pisces The stars say you should be patient and that it can't last forever. They didn't say what they're talking about, though.
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