Aries Though you'd like to think of it as a triumph of the human spirit, it's really just the opening of a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop three blocks from your office.
Taurus Soon your 15 minutes of fame will be up, and people will only know you as "that freaky-looking guy who survived the barbed-wire-plant explosion."
Gemini This week will be noteworthy for your whirlwind tour of the American criminal justice system.
Cancer The stars would love to tell you your fortune for next week, but it lacks the tinge of verisimilitude that would make it believable.
Leo You will go down in snowboard history for accidentally inventing the "540 Goofy-Foot Christa MacAuliffe" while nailing siding on your mountain cabin.
Virgo Nothing can stop you this week as you accelerate to a considerable fraction of the speed of light.
Libra Please stop telling your coworkers you've been "nailing" your new secretary. The polite term is "nailing love to."
Scorpio You can claim anything you want in your song, but, truth be told, by the time you get to Phoenix she'll have forgotten all about your hick ass.
Sagittarius Remember: That which does not kill you makes you strongerñeven if it paralyzes you from the neck down and necessitates the removal of your renal system.
Capricorn You're eventually going to get tired of people comparing next Thursday to the Flying Wallenda Tragedy of 1963.
Aquarius After next week, you will no longer wonder where the phrase "I'll be dipped in shit" came from.
Pisces Perhaps the color and positions of the stains on your boyfriend's mattress can offer a clue as to how he earned the money he's stuffed inside it.
0