Horoscope for the week of February 7, 2001

Horoscope ISSUE 37•04 Feb 7, 2001
  • Aries Though you'd like to think of it as a triumph of the human spirit, it's really just the opening of a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop three blocks from your office.
  • Taurus Soon your 15 minutes of fame will be up, and people will only know you as "that freaky-looking guy who survived the barbed-wire-plant explosion."
  • Gemini This week will be noteworthy for your whirlwind tour of the American criminal justice system.
  • Cancer The stars would love to tell you your fortune for next week, but it lacks the tinge of verisimilitude that would make it believable.
  • Leo You will go down in snowboard history for accidentally inventing the "540 Goofy-Foot Christa MacAuliffe" while nailing siding on your mountain cabin.
  • Virgo Nothing can stop you this week as you accelerate to a considerable fraction of the speed of light.
  • Libra Please stop telling your coworkers you've been "nailing" your new secretary. The polite term is "nailing love to."
  • Scorpio You can claim anything you want in your song, but, truth be told, by the time you get to Phoenix she'll have forgotten all about your hick ass.
  • Sagittarius Remember: That which does not kill you makes you strongerñeven if it paralyzes you from the neck down and necessitates the removal of your renal system.
  • Capricorn You're eventually going to get tired of people comparing next Thursday to the Flying Wallenda Tragedy of 1963.
  • Aquarius After next week, you will no longer wonder where the phrase "I'll be dipped in shit" came from.
  • Pisces Perhaps the color and positions of the stains on your boyfriend's mattress can offer a clue as to how he earned the money he's stuffed inside it.