Horoscope for the week of February 9, 2000

Horoscope ISSUE 36•04 Feb 9, 2000
  • Aries You find yourself shunned by friends when you join a tiny group that believes in such strange, unseen forces as "gravity" and "electromagnetism."
  • Taurus Your belief in the impossibility of having a level-headed discussion on the state of American race relations only intensifies when you turn into a horse.
  • Gemini If you're reading this, we're sorry for predicting your death last week. But if you're reading this without arms, we must say we told you so.
  • Cancer If you feel bad because you have a funny name, screw you. Our name is fucking Cancer, for Chrissakes.
  • Leo You will find ample empirical evidence proving true the old myth about bulls and the color red.
  • Virgo Kris Kristofferson will appear to you in a dream and tell you to cast off your earthly ways and follow him. At least he looked like Kris Kristofferson.
  • Libra An unfortunate typo on your application results in your being accepted into the Legion Of Superherpes.
  • Scorpio Though you're basically a good person, you have the habit of looking to strange, random sources for guidance.
  • Sagittarius You will be recognized in your community for raising three healthy, well-adjusted children, as well as eight deranged, killer-cannibal children.
  • Capricorn Your shock upon learning where veal comes from is nothing. Wait until you learn where babies come from.
  • Aquarius If your birthday is this week, multiply your calendar age by 4.8 to get your age in far more telling "Aquarius years."
  • Pisces You will be spiritually and emotionally unprepared for the events of next Thursday, though nothing particularly notable is expected to happen.