Aries Your one-inch punch may be powerful, but it will prove to be no match for your adversary's 750-foot punch.
Taurus Your favorite T-shirt brings about your downfall when a literal-minded mob follows its instructions and fills you to the indicated line with margaritas.
Gemini You will go against everything you believe in this week when you eat a steak less than an inch thick, drink a domestic Riesling, and hire a valet born outside of the British Isles.
Cancer Travel hinders your creativity when, for days after your flight, all your pottery designs refer to things you read in US Airways' in-flight magazine.
Leo There's nothing you love more than freshly baked bread, which makes you the most inhuman, boring person alive.
Virgo Many polar expeditions end in tragedy, but yours will conclude with the death of all hands before you even leave Kansas City.
Libra You will raise procrastination to an art form, providing dozens of industrious critics with a new livelihood.
Scorpio Many years from now, you'll be the only living person who remembers David Lee Roth, which should not instill you with a great sense of responsibility to history.
Sagittarius You're fond of saying that there's more that unites people than divides them, a sentiment that is proven true when the Nepalese band together to destroy you.
Capricorn You're not fat, but your lack of motivation means that most anecdotes about you end with the phrase "around the house."
Aquarius Many have felt the Love Which Dare Not Speak Its Name, but you'll experience the Love That Bellows Its Name Out A Crosstown-Bus Window All Day.
Pisces Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.
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