• Aries Your one-inch punch may be powerful, but it will prove to be no match for your adversary's 750-foot punch.
  • Taurus Your favorite T-shirt brings about your downfall when a literal-minded mob follows its instructions and fills you to the indicated line with margaritas.
  • Gemini You will go against everything you believe in this week when you eat a steak less than an inch thick, drink a domestic Riesling, and hire a valet born outside of the British Isles.
  • Cancer Travel hinders your creativity when, for days after your flight, all your pottery designs refer to things you read in US Airways' in-flight magazine.
  • Leo There's nothing you love more than freshly baked bread, which makes you the most inhuman, boring person alive.
  • Virgo Many polar expeditions end in tragedy, but yours will conclude with the death of all hands before you even leave Kansas City.
  • Libra You will raise procrastination to an art form, providing dozens of industrious critics with a new livelihood.
  • Scorpio Many years from now, you'll be the only living person who remembers David Lee Roth, which should not instill you with a great sense of responsibility to history.
  • Sagittarius You're fond of saying that there's more that unites people than divides them, a sentiment that is proven true when the Nepalese band together to destroy you.
  • Capricorn You're not fat, but your lack of motivation means that most anecdotes about you end with the phrase "around the house."
  • Aquarius Many have felt the Love Which Dare Not Speak Its Name, but you'll experience the Love That Bellows Its Name Out A Crosstown-Bus Window All Day.
  • Pisces Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.